Editor’s Note: This is a submission from the Water Closet Weekly, a satirical weekly publication. Look for a featured article from Water Closet Weekly in the Collegian every Tuesday.
For many, freshman year of college represents a unique opportunity to reinvent oneself, an idea taken to its logical extreme by CSU freshman Miles Underhill, who has reinvented himself as a 16th century Spanish conquistador.
“All through high school, everybody knew me as ‘the nerd’ and ‘the dateless wonder,’” Underhill said. “That wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore, so during Ram Welcome week, I started introducing myself as the Spanish explorer and conqueror I was always meant to be.”
The transition was swift for Underhill, starting with a trip to Party City to purchase a plastic sword and concluding with his triumphant introduction of smallpox to Ramapalooza.
“He’s put together a remarkably authentic wardrobe,” said Brendan Busby, Underhill’s resident assistant. “We’re still not sure where he got that horse.”
Underhill’s transition to dorm life has been a smooth one. While his reinvention has done little in the way of scoring him dates or earning him friends within the Hispanic community, it has done wonders for his self-esteem.
“I think technically he’s claimed every room in the hallway,” said Seth Greenwood,Underhill’s neighbor. “He just wandered into my room one day, tried to stick his plastic sword into the carpet and called dibs on the bean bag chair.”
When asked what he was doing, Underhill replied that he had come “To serve God and to get rich and to watch Netflix — as all men wish to do.”
Greenwood remains cautiously optimistic about his neighbor’s outward expansion.
“I don’t mind too much. He mostly just sleeps all day and he always cleans up after that horse. He’s super rich now, too— there’s a surprising amount of Incan gold hidden in Allison Hall,” Greenwood said.
As of press time, there have been 1,527 reports of smallpox within the CSU community.
“For God and Glory,” Underhill said from the bean bag chair.
Collegian Guest Columnists from The Water Closet Weekly can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.
