Based on the 8/29 RamTalk — “It’s the third day of classes and I’ve already tried to go the ‘Skeller.”

Editor’s note: This column is satire, despite its startling resemblance to real life. The Collegian is not responsible for, you know, your actions.

Classes have recently begun and, as summer recedes into the deepest, dankest corners of our memories, students have found themselves in need of a hobby. Upon returning to CSU, undergrads recount the endless hours that they spent lying on a pristine beach in the British Virgin Islands, ziplining through the rainforests of Sao Paolo, Brazil and blowing chunks in the back of Burger Barn in July. Ah, summer.

As these students look for something to replace their summer experiences with, they have discovered an intriguing compound that would impress even the likes of Walter White. Discovered in Ireland in 1604, Boozicus Drankalotidae can be used to numb the pain of a tooth extraction, make monotonous experiences seem fresh and can even help one wet their slacks or trousers.

Boozicus Drankalotidae, or “booze,” as it is commonly referred to, has been a favorite way for college students to ease their way back into the semester for decades.

Junior peninsula major Jack-Jack Bockway is one of many students who have found a way to incorporate this “booze” substance into their daily routine.

“Man, hey man. Dude, man just listen, dude,” Bockway said, “Man, this whiskey is really hittin’ the spot. It’s like I forgot classes even started!”

Skylar Rite, a junior lemur studies major and liquor lover, was found nestled in the chairs at the “new” Ramskeller.

“I didn’t really do much this summer,” Rite said, “so — bleeeaaarrrghhh — I’m finding it easy getting back into the semester. I’m enjoying classes — bleaaarrrghhhh — meeting new people — bleeearrrrghh — and just having an all around wonderful time.”

Rite spewed a total of seven times while being interviewed.

Bockway and Rite were unavailable the next morning for  follow-up questions. Both had inexplicably been stricken with the debilitating disease known by many as Hangoveris Myheadachesius, or the common hangover.

Although the semester may just be beginning, we have a long road ahead. May that road be fun and safe for all of us. Cheers, everyone!

Collegian Reporter Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.