CSU conducts study on day drinking

Based on the 3/29 RamTalk — “You don’t hear Aaron Carter matinee without thinking day drinking.”

Editor’s note: This column is satire. The Collegian is not responsible for your decision to drink, regardless of the time of day.

Ad

The Psychology department here at CSU has recently conducted a survey on campus over a topic that may shock some, asking students why they choose to get belligerently intoxicated between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.

Day drinking is a pastime that has been passed down from generation to generation much like fire or, in my family’s case, how to stick a toothpick all the way into the back of your nose cavity. The thrill of ingesting copious amounts of alcohol during the sunlight hours was discovered early on as the first Irish village was being built. The fad has lasted ever since, and over time has become an ever-present part of our global society. Here at Colorado State, there are numerous reasons why a person may experiment with day drinking.

Sophomore horticulture major Wroy Pendy enjoys a fine whiskey with every breakfast.

“Why do I day drink?” Pendy said. “I’ll tell you why. There is an Aaron Carter matinee today that someone is gonna have to be drunk for. You can’t listen to that slop sober, my friend.”

Junior biz major Schawn Hersheys had similar reasons to back up his midday binges.

“Me, well shucks, I’m flattered that you even asked.” Hersheys said. “Now, you’re the first to know this, but, well, Aaron C is coming to town to play a show tonight and I’m gonna need to be blacked out. Aaron C, man!”

The trend of day drinking at CSU, at least for the moment, seems to be revolving around an Aaron Carter show at the Aggie. I’m sure that once he leaves, we students will need to find another reason to day drink. Cheers my friends, and may your hangovers last only as long as your attention span!