Note: The following article does not reflect the opinion of the Rocky Mountain Collegian, its associated staff, or reality.

Based on the Jan. 30 RamTalk, “To cut out the middle man, instead of buying textbooks this semester, I should just burn 2/3 of the money and spend the rest on beer.”

A wise scholar once said, “Drinking and reading is a match made in paradise.” The same scholar also said, “I’m tired and need to eat some pizza crusts.”

In a recent study conducted by the Family Studies Department at CSU, it has been found that after students have a few weekday drinks, their willingness to complete class assignments increases exponentially. The data shows that alcohol induces a type of studious behavior that leads to reading and writing.

To capitalize on these findings, the Bookstore has started to serve alcoholic beverages to employees as well as customers. The result: a more delirious workforce serving either an aggressive or loving customer base.

Since they have started serving alcoholic beverages, the Bookstore has seen more customers than ever before. It is thought by numerous individuals that the booze service has increased Bookstore revenues a great deal.

CSU student Mat Bomtard turns to the bookstore for his academic needs now that they serve alcohol.

“This is good. Are we good? I just bought these folders. Have I ever told you about my experiences at camp?” said Bomtard. “But on the reals I like this whole Bookstore alcohol setup thing they got going. I haven’t been to class in weeks!”

The only drawback to the alcohol service is that inebriated employees wander around the Bookstore for hours seeking confrontation. There is documentation of employees becoming belligerent after drinking and fighting with customers over such things as “which pen gets the job done best” and “why you don’t really need a five subject notebook.” The problem remains to be addressed.

Bookstore spokesperson, Kwayde Jorge, voiced his opinion on the subject.

“It’s not OK that our employees are hammered all the time,” said Jorge, “but come on, everyone deserves a little night cap. And I deserve two. Oh yeah.”

The Bookstore has paved the way for alcoholic-friendly literature outlets on college campuses nationwide and the trend is expected to continue. Drunk studiers everywhere are rejoicing. Cheers to a looser bookstore everyone!