The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Print Edition
Letter to the editor submissions
Have a strong opinion about something happening on campus or in Fort Collins? Want to respond to an article written on The Collegian? Write a Letter to the Editor by following the guidelines here.
Follow Us on Twitter
How Can Colorado Quarterback Shedeur Sanders Improve For the 2025 NFL Draft?
How Can Colorado Quarterback Shedeur Sanders Improve For the 2025 NFL Draft?
June 6, 2024

Colorado quarterback Shedeur Sanders stands out as a prime prospect for the 2025 NFL Draft, and it’s no surprise he's the current favorite...

No Shave, No Sex

Beard Update
Beard Update (Photo credit: trickhips)

Based on the Ramtalk: “With it being No-Shave November, Halo 4 and the new Call of Duty coming out, I predict pregnancy rates will drop off dramatically.” — Originally in 11/9 Collegian

In a recent study conducted by the Family Studies Department at CSU, it seems as though pregnancy rates have nearly dropped off the map this month.

Ad

November is notorious for its yearly cessation of intercourse, but a key question remains: Why?

Pregnancy specialist Keifer Grawsey attributes this drop in pregnancy rates to a few factors: No-Shave November and the releases of “Halo 4” and “Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.”

“Hairy gamers get no love,” Grawsey said. “It’s the long facial hair that turns the girls off, and the extreme gaming that keeps them away. Every November, facial hair graces the faces of countless young men, but with the addition of highly anticipated video game releases, I would say that this November is the perfect storm for abstinence.”

Females all over the country are boycotting their male counterparts, saying that they must “shave their faces and stop playing those darn video games” if they want to continue fornicating. The males couldn’t be reached for comment, as they are far too busy playing their new games in their dank, dark basements.

The condom industry has also been feeling the effects of this sudden decrease in coitus by young adults. The drop in sales has directly affected local condom manufacturer and connoisseur, Oliver “Three Bones” Jones.

“I’m just absolutely devastated,” Jones said. “I’m in shock.  How am I going to put bread on the table without people knockin’ boots? Shave the beards, boys!”

One thing remains clear: As long as the college-aged men pretend that they can grow facial hair, they will not be engaging in sexual contact with the college-aged females.

View Comments (7)
More to Discover

Comments (7)

When commenting on The Collegian’s website, please be respectful of others and their viewpoints. The Collegian reviews all comments and reserves the right to reject comments from the website. Comments including any of the following will not be accepted. 1. No language attacking a protected group, including slurs or other profane language directed at a person’s race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, social class, age, physical or mental disability, ethnicity or nationality. 2. No factually inaccurate information, including misleading statements or incorrect data. 3. No abusive language or harassment of Collegian writers, editors or other commenters. 4. No threatening language that includes but is not limited to language inciting violence against an individual or group of people. 5. No links.
All The Rocky Mountain Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • N

    Nojuan EspecialJun 10, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Can you please delete this account so I may have the url?

    Reply