SERIOUSLY: Yeehaw Junction writers lose creative spark after LSD operation busted

Marshall Dunham

Citing a lethargic attitude and saying “the magic just wasn’t there anymore,” writers at Yeehaw Junction ran up against massive amounts of writer’s block following the bust of an LSD operation in Loveland last week.

“We’ve been doing really well this year when it comes to our creativity,” said Yeehaw Junction writer Gary Parker. “We’ve been really good about creating a lot of unique, clever material. But this LSD bust has really put us in a bind.”

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Parker went on to add that usually, the Yeehaw Junction team would have no trouble coming into the newsroom, putting on a Phish or Grateful Dead album, and getting down to business.

Now, according to Parker, the creative juices aren’t flowing like they used to.

“Our man, he was busted carrying 1,000 doses of LSD,” remarked Parker while sporting several heady pins in his tye-dye snapback hat. “That’s a lot, but it sure would have come in handy in time for deadline today.”

Parker went on to say he was worried the paper may have to fold due to the recent local confiscation of the well-known hallucinogenic substance first synthesized by Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman in 1938.

“I miss the old days, when we’d walk around the newsroom muttering to ourselves and having hysterical giggle fits while sporting pupils the size of dinner plates,” Parker said. “Now, this just feels like work.”

Parker went on to state that he had grown incredibly fond of the “Burning Man Vibe” that the Yeehaw Junction newsroom offered, complete with shag carpet, beaded doorway curtains and trippy-look tapestries.

“I miss the old days, when we’d walk around the newsroom muttering to ourselves and having hysterical giggle fits while sporting pupils the size of dinner plates. Now, this just feels like work” -Gary Parker 

“Between journalists like Tom Wolfe and Hunter S. Thompson, I’m pretty sure I can’t be a functioning journalist unless I’m absolutely tripping balls,” Parker remarked. “Which is a damn shame, because my dealer just got arrested and I have an article due in a couple of hours.”

Parker concluded by saying that this LSD shortage left him “totally bummed out” before adding that he was going to go slink off and stare into a campfire for a few hours.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Yeehaw Junction reporter Marshmallow Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham.

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