As inspiring as the stars are in all their cosmic beauty, classifying astrology as a science is for those out of tune with this planet.

Considering astrology as a legitimate science is disrespectful to actual STEM fields. My colleague, a self-proclaimed astrologist and “lover of the stars,” Let’s McWillies, argues the viability of Astrology simply because she herself could not pass any of the real science courses offered at Colorado State University. 

Astrology is a pseudoscience because it claims to be using facts, such as the movement of the planets, to predict human behavior. But in reality there is no factual evidence that supports the idea that the position of the stars and planets affects or predicts how humans behave or their personality traits. 

Astrology, in particular the idea of horoscopes, are false notions of predetermined fate given to individuals who are simply looking for outlets outside themselves to blame for the bad shit that happens to us. 

Astrology is for bored housewives and basic girls to use to try to understand why Chad, Brad, or their Dad didn’t text them back; they look to the “stars.”

“It’s so comforting to look up at the stars and know there is so much to the universe than myself, that the stars have a plan for me.  Like I didn’t bother studying for my Chem test because my horoscope already said I was gonna fail, so like why waste time studying? ” said second year ancient Greek history major, Julia Stine. “It was right too. I had the worst grade in my class.”

Astrology is for bored housewives and basic girls to use to try to understand why Chad, Brad, or their Dad didn’t text them back; they look to the “stars.”

McWillies argues that Astrology should be taken seriously. McWillies claims to be an “Aries sun, Aquarius moon, and Virgo rising,” and uses these characteristics as an excuse to be loud, flaky, unmotivated, and ultimately un-fire-able. She claims her signs are to blame for her bad behavior.

Last week I asked McWillies, also the assistant editor to the Opinion desk, to help me edit some articles to which she responded “Mercury is in retrograde, I can’t be expected to do any communication-oriented task well,” and breezed out the office reading a BuzzFeed article.

Yeehaw Junction reached out to acclaimed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to weigh in on the argument. He responded, “We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust. Not only do we live among the stars, the stars live within us. This being said…Astrology is still bullshit.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Yeehaw Junction reporter Jayla Hodgepodge can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @JaylaHodge