Colorado State University Police responded to a call yesterday afternoon after multiple parties reported seeing smoke near Braiden Hall.
Students walking on the sidewalk around the dorm building said they saw smoke at around 8:00 a.m. and smelled something they couldn’t place.
“There was smoke coming from behind the building, but it didn’t smell like smoke,” Ashley White, a sophomore psychology major said. “I wasn’t sure what the smell was, but it was awful. I thought it was weird so I called CSUPD.”
Campus police reported to the scene at around 8:15 a.m. They searched the perimeter and made their way around to the parking lot behind the building.
In the parking lot they found a male student in his underwear standing over a small fire. The officers approached the man to question him.
“At first I thought he was maybe under the influence,” CSUPD officer Jake Jones said. “But he seemed to have a clear head.”
The man, who has been identified as freshman Joe Smith, said he was burning a pile of CSU Rams t-shirts and paraphernalia.
“I was watching that Marie Kondo show on Netflix and decided that after the year the Rams have had, none of this stuff sparks joy for me any more,” Smith said. “I thought I’d put some of her advise to use and make some space in my tiny dorm closet. I may have taken it a bit far looking back.”
Smith added that while Kondo’s advice is overwhelmingly positive, he got upset while walking out to the dumpster and that’s why he opted for fire rather than just getting rid of the items.
“I don’t know. I just started thinking about that beautiful stadium and all the potential I thought it had when I decided to come here,” Smith said. “And also thinking about how much money I apparently wasted on all of this stuff.”
Smith had calmed down by the time police reported to the scene.
“He just looked sad when we approached him,” Jones said. “I kind of felt bad for him, honestly.”
Smith was issued a warning and sternly reminded about the dangers of playing with fire, but wasn’t arrested or fined.
“Burning things isn’t what Marie Kondo would do, I know that,” Smith said. “I’m grateful they only gave me a warning.”
Smith did say the one piece of Rams gear he kept was a CSU Softball sweatshirt because their current 18-game win streak brings him joy.
Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Ash-Slinging-Slasher Potts can be reached at sports@collegian.com or on Twitter @ashleypotts09.
