Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Only one superior method of cannabis consumption incorporates all four elements: the humble bong.

A water pipe, much like a nice vase or lamp, both serves a necessary function and has the ability to enhance any living room’s personality. A bong is simply a vase built for a different kind of flower.

Like all vases, there is no uniform size, shape or color. It’s an opportunity to let your personality shine through and show your houseguests that you’re a person of discerning taste. They can be as simple as a gourd-like shape or complex like the Truffula Trees from the Dr. Seuss universe. This is one tree the Lorax will never let be chopped down. 

A decent bong is generally a larger investment than a fine pipe, but so many worthwhile things are. Buying a bicycle feels nice, especially if you need a way to work, but buying a car for the first time is a life milestone. You can tell your children the story of purchasing your first ever bong and regale them with tales of all the prestige TV you and your friends watched alongside it. Tell that same story with a pipe, and they probably won’t respect you. 

Bongs can seriously cut down on burning throats since the smoke goes through water before passing your lips. Plus, you can throw some ice in there and really cool down the experience, something that could only be otherwise achieved by putting a pipe in the freezer for several hours. You can also experiment with different liquids, like tea or juice, though never milk. Trust us.

There is a benefit to bong water, however ridiculous that may sound. Less ash can be inhaled than with a pipe because it falls into the water rather than being slurped back with a pipe. You have to ensure you don’t drink the water, but it is ultimately your friend.

Bongs have more components than pipes, which does make them more breakable, but they’re also more interchangeable. If your bowl breaks, you can buy another one and keep going. Try doing that with a busted pipe. Congratulations, you played yourself. 

It is true that bongs have more components to clean and do require more maintenance. However, there is no saving you from maintenance. We need to keep up our bodies, our cars, our minds – really everything worth using requires some TLC once in a while. For the dishwasher-owning life-hacker, try tossing the empty bong on the bottom rack after you rinse it out. Letting it go for longer will require more strenuous cleaning, but the same is true of pipes.

No other piece of glassware has the aesthetic, function and audacity of a bong. Accept no substitutes.

Reach Grayson Acri at cannabis@collegian.com or on Twitter @guy1376.