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The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian
The Student News Site of Colorado State University

The Rocky Mountain Collegian

Seriously

Seriously: CSU mascot uniform destroyed; CU student suspected

Seriously: CSU mascot uniform destroyed; CU student suspected

Dominique Lopez, Opinion Director • September 13, 2023
These Colorado State University and University of Colorado Boulder rivalries are seriously starting to get out of hand. Just last night while I was scrolling on the news, I learned that there is a case being made against a person in CAM’s office chanting sko’ buffs down the halls.
Seriously: Committing to failing my classes for The Collegian

Seriously: Committing to failing my classes for The Collegian

Bella Eckburg, Opinion Director • May 4, 2023
All of a sudden, I find myself in the last week of classes and inching toward that graduation stage, praying I don’t eat shit in my heels in front of everyone.  The anxiety is borderline flesh-eating, and I just realized that the body doesn’t come with the dress I ordered online for graduation, so it drags behind me like a medieval train. I, unfortunately, am not six feet tall. 
Seriously: CSU unfairly punishes students who don't care about school

Seriously: CSU unfairly punishes students who don’t care about school

Aaron Peck, Staff Reporter • April 19, 2023
College is a place where individuals go to expand their worldview, learn new skills and increase their chances of achieving success. On the other hand, college provides many with their first taste of freedom.  College is supposed to be a space for higher education where all people can come for the possibility of a better future. However, a disturbing pattern has been discovered across virtually every school in the country that is leaving some students disappointed with their college experience.
Seriously: 4 ways to tell your parents you flunked out of college

Seriously: 4 ways to tell your parents you flunked out of college

Aaron Peck, Staff Reporter • April 11, 2023
As the end of the spring semester quickly approaches, some students face the difficult task of telling their parents that they failed all their classes and dropped out of college.  Whether it is because of a drinking problem that got out of control, or that you “accidentally” slept through all your morning classes once again — sometimes college just gets the best of you. 
Seriously: Police arrest anyone with a Stanley, bike thief apprehended

Seriously: Police arrest anyone with a Stanley, bike thief apprehended

Callum Burke, Staff Reporter • April 3, 2023
Fort Collins Police Services are back in the media spotlight after a string of seemingly random arrests were reported around Colorado State University’s main campus. That’s right, it appears the local police have their hands full yet again in an issue involving our local student body.  Last week, The Collegian staff received word about peculiar arrests, seemingly random, being reported all around CSU. As the weather continues rising in temperature, it seems crime rates have as well, and the local police force is taking law enforcement duties very seriously.
Seriously: Lying about college in a pandemic is the natural thing to do

Seriously: Lying about college in a pandemic is the natural thing to do

Bella Eckburg, Opinion Director • March 21, 2023
As a senior counting down the weeks to graduation and repeating the dreary steps of my day-to-day schedule, I’ve thought a lot about the stories I’ll tell about my time here. I live as a functional recluse most of the time, but, like you normies, I have the capability to lie.  To be honest, college amid a pandemic was not giving the same energy as the crazy campus life you’ve undoubtedly seen in movies, but that’s why lying is such an important skill to develop. 
Seriously: Campus climbers develop allergy, not wearing shirts

Seriously: Campus climbers develop allergy, not wearing shirts

Grant Coursey, Staff Reporter • March 6, 2023
While the recent rise in Avian Flu has captured the media's attention, a no less sinister disease is spreading through the Colorado State University climbing community. It’s called a Shirt 'Allergy,' despite being contagious, and its effects are hard to miss. Upon attempting a climb or, in the worst cases presented, merely stepping foot in a climbing gym, afflicted climbers develop a near-pathological aversion to keeping their shirts on.
Seriously: FoCo police use tax dollars to focus on issues, toy collection

Seriously: FoCo police use tax dollars to focus on issues, toy collection

Callum Burke, Staff Reporter • February 7, 2023
On Jan. 30, the Fort Collins Police Department posted a very intriguing Tweet online.  For an account ordinarily used to cover local car crashes, timely traffic issues and the occasional retweet of Larimer County’s most wanted list, this particular tweet struck media attention as it contained something entirely different. Something rarely, if ever, posted about by a police department. 
Seriously: Students love winter biking, dentists love fixing their teeth

Seriously: Students love winter biking, dentists love fixing their teeth

Callum Burke, Staff Reporter • February 1, 2023
Fort Collins and riding a bike go together like CAM the Ram and gameday – They simply do not exist without each other.  In fact, the popularity of biking is so much so that The League of American Bicyclists named Colorado State University as one of five schools in America to obtain platinum-level biking. 
Seriously: Future CSU president announces BigCorp deal, students worry

Seriously: Future CSU president announces BigCorp deal, students worry

Paul Brull, Staff Contributor • January 18, 2023
New Colorado State University President to be, Bamy Barson, announced her plan for an office of president administrative partnership with BigCorp last Thursday. “During my time at BigCorp, I worked with a lot of good people,” said Barson in her announcement email. “They know how to best maximize profits while delivering top-notch service in flexible roles.”
Skiers and snowboarders ride up to the Overlook Restaurant at Breckenridge Ski Resort

Seriously: Hey, out-of-staters, here are 3 tips for mountain etiquette

Callum Burke, Staff Reporter • November 29, 2022
Well, folks, it's that time of year. The mountains are constantly dumping snow, the temperatures are remaining brisk and, as a result, nearly every resort is now officially open to snowboarders and skiers for the 2022-23 season. Let us rejoice in the good news!  For most Colorado natives, this is a sacred time of year full of possibilities on the slopes. Maybe it's a new trick in the terrain park or a new run at a favorite resort begging to be shredded, but nothing but positive thoughts should be streaming through hopeful minds. 
Seriously: It's time to reclaim Thanksgiving — we should spike the potatoes

Seriously: It’s time to reclaim Thanksgiving — we should spike the potatoes

Paul Brull, Cannabis Director • November 17, 2022

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s...

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