Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins Police Services is back in the media spotlight after a string of seemingly random arrests was reported around Colorado State University’s main campus. That’s right: It appears the local police have their hands full yet again in an issue involving our local student body.

Last week, The Collegian staff received word about peculiar arrests, seemingly random, being reported all around CSU. As the weather continues to rise in temperature, it seems crime rates have as well, and the local police force is taking law enforcement duties very seriously.

Assuming the arrests were bike-related, as are most crimes reported this time of year, The Collegian staff investigated the next time an arrest occurred with minimal hopes of actually catching the elusive bike-stealing bastard. 

To our surprise, the situation did appear to be bike-related. We arrived at the crime scene to witness the infamous campus bike thief already being put into handcuffs — still as sketchy, fuzzy and hoof-toed as ever! Although we cannot release the name, we know he has a team of handlers.

“What confused me the most was the fact that the thief was caught stealing these bikes in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday,” Collegian investigative staff member Stella Fleckberg said. “What kind of so-called professional thief steals bikes at noon on a college campus?”

Another bizarre aspect of the crime scene was the fact that the infamous bike thief was carrying a rather identifiable weapon on his person at the time of his arrest.

The police identified the weapon in question as a “large, military-grade blunt metal combat baton, manufactured for the sole intention of inflicting as much pain and damage as possible to those that feel its wrath.” They also claimed in the report that the thief was using the object to threaten bike owners.

“Upon further investigation and research after the arrest, The Collegian connected Fort Collins Police Services to 13 separate occasions in the last month alone involving campus-goers getting arrested. Even crazier was the fact that all the arrests involved students who owned a Stanley water bottle and had them on their person at the time of their individual arrest.”

To the regular college student, you can refer to the so-called “combat baton” as those giant Stanley water bottles that nearly every student carries to class. To be even more specific, it’s a Stanley “The Quencher H2.0 Flowstate” 40-ounce Tumbler water bottle in Rose Quartz pink — the undisputed color of the upcoming spring season.

Anyway, previous police records have proven the infamous bike thief was never before arrested with this particular weapon, let alone any weapon at all, nor was the thief ever arrested in the middle of the afternoon.

Upon further investigation and research after the arrest, The Collegian connected Fort Collins Police Services to 13 separate occasions in the last month alone involving campus-goers getting arrested. Even crazier was the fact that all the arrests involved students who owned a Stanley water bottle and had them on their person at the time of their individual arrest.

In an attempt to straighten some things up about the connection to these situations, The Collegian requested an opportunity to speak with the infamous bike thief in private.

After much poking and prying, the bike thief eventually cracked and admitted the police were using him as a pawn to arrest any student on campus with a Stanley water bottle and confiscate them to help CSU fund the Andrew G. Clark Building renovation in exchange for a lighter sentence the next time he inevitably finds himself back at the station behind bars.

FCPS has since declined an opportunity to speak on the matter involving the unlawful arrests of Stanley water bottle owners on campus, and the investigation is still ongoing.

That said, it is abundantly clear they have a vendetta against Stanley water bottles and will stop at nothing until they have every single one within the Fort Collins city limits.

So if you own one of the military-grade Stanley water bottles and often bring it to campus, please keep it hidden. The Fort Collins Police is tripping! And sipping! — probably out of Stanleys.

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.