Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

On Jan. 30 the Fort Collins Police Services posted a very intriguing tweet online. 

For an account ordinarily used to cover local car crashes, timely traffic issues and the occasional retweet of Larimer County’s most wanted list, this particular tweet struck media attention as it contained something entirely different. Something rarely, if ever, posted about by a police department.  

A lost stuffed rabbit in desperate need of reuniting with its original owner.

That’s correct. According to the tweet, on the day prior to the tweet’s release, police officers encountered a lost rabbit teddy lying alone on the slush-covered streets of Old Town Fort Collins. 

One witness claims to have seen the poor bunny selling singular, spare cigarettes outside of Ace Hardware on South College Avenue before police arrived.

Due to the harsh weather conditions — and the overall destroyed look of the bunny — officers on the scene came to the helpful conclusion to offer the poor plushie a ride back to the station for a complimentary cup of warm hot chocolate and a tour of the police facility.

Additionally, the post requested the owners of the rabbit come and retrieve the toy. 

Although it appears no takers have come forward to reclaim the mangled bunny as of yet, there is no denying our beloved police force is working unceasingly hard at their job and devoting tax-funded resources to things the community truly cares about.

I mean, seriously, how often can you go to your local police station knowing full well your lost rabbit teddy has a legitimate chance of returning home safely from a weekendlong bender in Old Town? Well, for Fort Collins locals, it appears to be pretty damn often. 

“Fort Collins locals owe the police in the community for continuing to push the boundaries on what to consider worthy of posting on social media. That said, we also deserve similar tweets in the future.”

As for the more realistic chance of the bunny belonging to a young child, just throw it out. There’s no chance the poor kid is scrolling the depths of social media for any potential leads on the whereabouts of Dr. Snugglesworth, M.D. 

Not to mention, seeing their once clean and soft teddy with tire marks all over its face and a permanent brown tint is not exactly a wholesome reunion. 

Nevertheless, we know our police force is devoting countless hours of training and experience to real issues here in Fort Collins — collecting random discarded toys off the streets and trying to find the original owners.  

While you’re out in the world being an upstanding citizen and obeying the general laws of society, the police are throwing themselves toward important leads in hopes of attaining community justice and peace. 

Instead of offering a local houseless individual a cup of hot chocolate and a place to warm up in the colder months or even raising awareness for recently missing cats or dogs in the area, the police are dedicated to what is apparently really important in a post-pandemic world. 

The community feels for the original owner of the teddy rabbit. Nobody deserves to lose anything, especially something as life-altering as a stuffed bunny, and to go even one night without it must be absolute hell. 

Fort Collins locals owe the police in the community for continuing to push the boundaries on what to consider worthy of posting on social media. That said, we also deserve similar tweets in the future. 

Whether the poor stuffed animal finds its home in the arms of a young child or at the bottom of a trash can, we can rest our heads at night knowing the police gave it their all in a case that would sadly get overseen at any other police department. 

To the officers of Fort Collins who found the bunny and gave it a second chance, we thank you for your service. 

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.