With all the stress of school and work coming to a head this time of year, it’s only natural to want to escape from it all for a little while… or permanently! Weekend retreats can be nice, but they aren’t quite long enough to clear the stain of your coworkers’ stupid faces from your mind’s eye before Monday morning. Plus, when you return, everyone’s too busy talking about their stupid weekend plans to notice how much cooler and spiritual you’ve become from yours.

Fortunately, we here at Seriously know that no true adventure is complete without the threat of abduction, and that being subject to a good kidnapping will finally provide you with the kind of self-serving martyrdom that will assure that your coworkers will never forget just how adventurous and unique you are… or were. Why settle for a getaway when you can get away... forever? Here are four breathtaking places to go missing in.

4. The Grand Tetons

The Teton Mountains are a picturesque majesty of nature and make for a spectacular escape from urban life and living in general. Lose yourself in the total immensity of its snow-covered peaks, the great vastness of its many forests and the ominous darkness of a local rancher’s suspicious-looking shed. Remember—in the mountains, no one can hear you scream.

3. Sonoran Desert

For a sunnier escape from things, check out the Sonoran Desert in Arizona, where the only thing more colorful than its flora and rock formations are the many characters you’ll meet along the way. Strike up a conversation and learn more about desert geology. Observe the many types of cacti in the region. Befriend a “totally open-minded” border patrol agent named Rocky who’s only “colorblind” in the sense that he’ll victimize people of any race. Remember to bring some sunscreen!

2. Cleveland

This bustling Northeastern metropolis is not exactly known for its sights, but what Cleveland may lack visual beauty, it makes up for in plenty of ways to find escape in this magnificent city. Be it at a park, in an alley or the trunk of an unmarked car, you’ll lose yourself so fast in the many sights and sounds (or lack thereof) that you’ll forget to be thankful for finally getting the hell out of Cleveland.

1. Alberta, Canada

If that’s not enough, take your vacation international (sort of) and journey north of the border to exquisite Alberta, Canada. This northern wonderland has it all: towering, snowy peaks, lush, sprawling woods and pure, picturesque lakes. Once you’ve had your fill of the Canadian wilderness, journey into town to get a taste of that legendary Canadian hospitality. Indulge yourself in the culture until the locals get a little too friendly… and then really too friendly… until you mysteriously disappear after a spirited syrup-drinking contest and discover that Canadians aren’t actually that nice after all.

Eh?

Collegian Assistant Opinion Editor and Blogger Sean Kennedy can be reached at blogs@collegian.com or on Twitter at @seanskenn. He also hosts a weekly radio show, SUBMERGE, on Sundays from 7-9 p.m. on KCSU Fort Collins. Leave a comment!!

Disclaimer: Seriously is a satire blog, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. All articles from Seriously are creations of fiction, and presumably fake publications. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Photos used do not have any connection to the story and are used within the rights of free reuse, as well as cited to the best of our ability. Seriously is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.