Seriously: Generation after Millennials to finally be named

Julia Trowbridge

One of the greatest tasks of our time has finally come to light: naming the next generation. 

The Pew Research Center has recently announced the new cut-off for the Millennial generation, changing it from 1997 to 1996. The next task for the Pew Research Center, and anyone who feels like they should voice their opinions about what generations should be called, is naming the next generation.

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Because this upcoming generation is still pretty young, President of the Pew Research Center Michael Dimock said a name has not been determined for these coming-of-age children. Some of the more prominent ideas include Post-Millennial’s, Gen-Z and the Generation that Fox News Hates. But to local non-Millennial Avery Johnson, a junior studying liberal arts, said the boundaries of the generations aren’t that simple.

“You’ve got to understand that you can’t group people born in 1997 with people born in 2001,” Johnson said. “And you can’t group people born in 2011 with people born in 2012. It’s just not right.”

Some of Johnson’s further points include how children born before 2007 lived in a short time without the iPhone, and people born in 2012 and after don’t remember when “Jersey Shore” was airing on MTV. 

I don’t see why people are making such a big deal out of this.” – Scott Davis, a Millennial

“I think that we should have a separate name for people born before the iPhone, like ‘The Generation That Showed Everybody How to Become a Cat-Whisperer’ or something,” said Matthew Parker, echoing his friend Johnson’s sentiments.

The generation that seems to care the most about labeling the generation after the Millennial’s is the Baby Boomers, despite the Millennial generation being obsessed with adding obscure labels to their lifestyles, like “vegan,” whenever they get the chance.

Millennial Scott Davis, a senior studying business and known best for his generation killing the napkin industry, doesn’t have much to say on the matter.

“It’s just for sociology research,” Davis said. “I don’t see why people are making such a big deal out of this.”

Collegian reporter Julia Trowbridge can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com or on twitter @chapin_jules.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.