Seriously: University to invite non-controversial speakers to avoid confrontation

Jayla Hodge

In light of the protests around controversial speakers, Colorado State University administrators have enacted a new plan to bring more speakers to campus and receive fewer angry emails from students — commissioning a new committee to work with Event Planning to bring more ‘neutral’ speakers to campus.

The committee launched a “Neutral” event series that started in the beginning of April.

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“We’re tired of all the speakers provoking discussions and starting conversations and inspiring protests and counter protests. It’s just exhausting, you know?” said Matt Robertson, the new chair of the committee. ”I hope this plan will help increase the number of students attending events, because if everyone is okay with the speaker then people will attend the events instead of protesting, right?” He added that the committee hopes to bring speakers that absolutely no one could possibly disagree with.

Today the Neutral Series hosted its first event. The guest speaker was Channel 3 Fort Collins’ weatherman, whose name The Collegian is not able to identify, since even Robertson forgot it. 

“While I do think it’s unfortunate that only two students attended, I see it as a victory, because nobody got upset, which is the ultimate goal,” said Robertson. “There were no campus-wide discussions, no peace marches, nobody showing up in protest. Sure, only two people came, but the important thing is how many people didn’t come – nobody came to protest.”

The event was so boring that The Collegian opted not to cover it. The committee also reported having a difficult time actually finding non-controversial speakers. 

“There are 7 more events, but we are still determining if they will go on as scheduled. The turnout at the first event consisted of 3 attendees, including myself” said Robertson. “It was not enjoyable, and probably the last neutral event I, personally, will attend.”

The next event will be held next Sunday. The speaker is Betty Lou from the local nursing home, a sweet old lady everybody loves. Robertson hopes that the appeal of playing canasta with someone as unassuming and inoffensive as Lou will draw more than two students.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Jayla Hodge can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @Jaylahodge.