Seriously: Easter Bunny delivers beer to CSU students for a hoppy time

Nick Botkin

An Easter basket filled with beer and other alcoholic beverages
This year, the Easter Bunny is bringing beer to CSU, ensuring a happy and hoppy holiday (Photo illustration by Matthew Smith | Rocky Mountain Collegian).

It is all about hoppy times this Easter at Colorado State. Forget candy. The Easter Bunny brought beer.

At high noon Sunday, the Easter Bunny brought her Easter IPA,  a chocolate-infused brew to students on campus. The beer is the culmination of the Easter Bunny’s partnership with New Belgium Brewing.

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“Students tweeted me about being left out of Easter fun,” the Easter Bunny said in a statement to The Collegian. “So, I thought, what would bring joy to students? With due respect to the Beatles, you need more than love. You need beer.”

I think the Easter Bunny will give us that childlike spirit back.”-Rufus Dupree, senior biology major

Students say the Easter Bunny’s actions boosted morale. 

“I am tickled,” said Nancy Sobchak, a third-year fiction student in CSU’s Master of Fine Arts program. “This gift will foster a sense of community and a common connection. Who doesn’t like beer?”

The Easter Bunny took an inclusive approach to the holiday by delivering to Muslim, Jewish and atheist students. In addition to beer, Jewish students also received weed-laced Afikoman. 

“Passover is a brutal holiday,” the Easter bunny said. “Those kids deserve a drink plus a little extra.”

But, the Bunny found it somewhat difficult to deliver to young 18-year-old atheist men, noting that they were abnormally aggressive about how strongly they don’t believe in anything. 

“I believe in something called ‘Science,'” said Ryan Jimmers. “The university shouldn’t have even let her on campus. This is an institution of learning, not fairytales.”

The bunny said she was pretty disappointed in how misinformed some atheist men are about her origin.

“Honestly, I think Jesus is a great guy, I’m just not affiliated with his work,” The Easter Bunny said. 

 

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Some parents were disappointed that the Bunny would be furthering a problematic culture of beer consumption and reliance on free rides.

“It is a gimmick,” said Frank O’Connor, a Fort Collins local and parent. “The Easter Bunny is fostering a culture of dependency amongst millennial students. They ought to work hard and buy their own beer for Easter.”

 

 

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the opinion section of the Collegian. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Collegian reporter Nick Botkin can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com. His Twitter handle is @dudesosad.