Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Picture this: The buzzer just sounded for Colorado State University’s March Madness game against the University of Maryland. Camera angles zoom in on CSU players snot-nosed, teary-eyed, violently group-hugging in an intensely boy manner — mostly dap-ups lost within a symphony of “bro’s” and other love confessions. But the second that the video stops rolling, Niko Medved turns to the crowd and says, “It isn’t over yet, bitches.”
Of course, after he and star player Jaylen Crocker-Johnson announced their move to the University of Minnesota, CSU basketball fans were left devastated, angry and petitioning for the player’s replacement to have at least an 8.5/10 face card. In lieu of changing his transfer plans, Medved announced he’d be leaving with one final Moby Madness goodbye.
“We’re holding a student vs. staff basketball tournament to celebrate my seven seasons here,” Medved said in a press release several weeks ago. “It’ll be a raffle system. Enter your name and CSU student ID online at www.meddie_dunkinonem.gargleit.org. Seven lucky students will be selected to get absolutely shat on by me and the Moby janitors.”
“Do we not have, like, a skill requirement to coach our sports here? There should be a rule that if you’re too slow and too old to play the sport yourself, then low-key, you shouldn’t be playing at all.” –Trey Bolton, CSU student
The winning team could pick from an assortment of prizes, including but not limited to a $50 Chipotle gift card, $50 in RamCash, a signed article of clothing from any player on the team, a $20 Delta voucher for plane tickets only redeemable for Minneapolis-Saint Paul paired with two free UMN basketball tickets, a life-size cutout of Medved and his two kids or a chance to play Moby Arena’s hit game, Crawl for Cash, but with condoms, patented “Crawl for Childlessness.”
Medved, several janitors and a slew of professors were seen kicking students off the basketball courts on the Intramural Fields last week. Though they claimed to be practicing for the upcoming tournament, students only reported witnessing an incredibly prolonged game of H.O.R.S.E.
“I kept waiting and waiting for someone to give me the ball back,” CSU student Skippy Dribbles said. “But nobody could make a single shot to save their lives. The game went on forever, trying to do all these tricks and shit. Like, just do a free throw, but they couldn’t even do that. They were so bad.”
“Do we not have, like, a skill requirement to coach our sports here?” asked Trey Bolton, fellow CSU student. “There should be a rule that if you’re too slow and too old to play the sport yourself, then low-key, you shouldn’t be playing at all.”
Medved said the staff team was intentionally trying to lower expectations.
“Sneak attack,” he said in response, shrugging. “How do you think CSU became Mountain West champions? That’s the No. 1 play in our playbook. All I have to do when they’re on the court is make a trilling noise, like a bird,” he paused to trill. “And then they go all stealth mode. That’s what we staff are going to do on Monday. You’ll see.”
The staff lost the tournament with a 1-5 record. Their lone win was against a fifth-grade girls basketball team that accidentally got entered into the raffle.
“What can I say?” Medved said when asked about the accident. “We dunked on ’em.”
Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
