Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Valentine’s Day is arguably the sexiest day of the year. It is the one day a year that is entirely devoted to love, intimacy and getting it on, making it the perfect excuse for an extra steamy, extra long night of fun. But remember to take caution when getting frisky this Valentine’s Day because if you’re not careful, you may find yourself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later, and if that alone isn’t enough to scare you, here’s something that should.
While conceiving a Valentine’s baby may sound fine and dandy to some folks, there is one factor that should be cause for concern. There is a very good chance that when you pop the confetti cannon at your gender reveal party, that confetti may be blue. While that isn’t a problem, you have to stop and put on your astrological thinking cap. That baby boy who you’re birthing nine months from Valentine’s Day is one day going to be — queue the scary music — a Scorpio man.
“It is a commonly known belief among the witchy, woo-woo astrology community that Scorpio men can hold a grudge like no one else. They hold onto past arguments and ruminate day and night.”
More often than not, unprotected Valentine’s Day sex will result in the birth of a Scorpio as a fully cooked third-trimester baby, entering the world in early November — smack dab in the middle of the season of the scorpion.
And this is not a smear campaign against all the Scorpios of the world. I am a water sign myself, essentially making me a cousin to Scorpios, and my Scorpio girls are some of the biggest baddies in the game. It is their male counterparts who bring the drama like no other. Whenever a Scorpio man is born, a new variant of Kyle from “Ladybird” is introduced to the world.
Scorpio men tend to be super into the idea of being mysterious, but their execution is never quite as romantic as they think. One day, your Scorpio son will be sitting outside the local indie coffee shop smoking a Newport and reading Dostoevsky, making sure people think he’s a vibe.
And if that isn’t enough to shiver your timbers, know that one day he will bring his first romantic interest home, and you’ll be the one listening from the other room as he mansplains whatever foreign, indie wartime film he is forcing his date to watch. How gut-wrenching.
On top of all of that, water signs have a reputation for being emotional little crybabies and, I, as a Pisces, am not here to dispute that. However, my gripes about some Scorpio men, in particular, go far beyond the stereotype that they’re a little emo.
It is a commonly known belief among the witchy, woo-woo astrology community that Scorpio men can hold a grudge like no one else. They hold onto past arguments and ruminate day and night. They harbor resentment and keep a mental shit-list of people who have wronged them. If you, for example, confiscate your Scorpio son’s phone, get ready for all the sass and silent treatment you could ever imagine.
So ladies, send your man to the store to buy that box of condoms, get that IUD placed, stock up on Plan B or take that birth control pill right when your alarm goes off. Have a super fun, super sexy Valentine’s Day, and remember: If you take the necessary precautions, you can enjoy yet another glorious year without a Scorpio man in your house and bask in the comfort that you’re not responsible for the next generation of male manipulators.
Reach Astrid Thorn at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
