Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
During his path to presidency and even after inauguration, between his stints pardoning QAnon shamans who are more loyal and white than his jizz napkins, President Donald Trump has repeatedly said he wants to cut the Department of Education. Just yesterday, he announced his plans to replace the department with “something funner.”
Though not officially released to the public, I have acquired Trump’s list of department replacements. While it is a miracle I found the list, which was written on a crumpled Burger King napkin, it’s more of a miracle that I could decipher it, as the words were written in the popular Crayola shade Neon Carrot. Although Trump looks like a living, breathing neon carrot, I know he’s never been within 3 feet of a vegetable his entire life.
In all honesty, I could get in real trouble for leaking this. It’s no secret that Trump dislikes the media, whom he so lovingly called “bloodsuckers” — at least, those who refuse to pedal his gospel truths of every-ism. Regardless, I’m no stranger to criticism, and if Trump is criticizing you, that probably means you’re a pretty good person.
“Stay tuned for which replacement he decides to go with — my vote is for the Department of Impeachment.”
The first on his list for the Department of Education replacements is the Department of Pinky Promises. Gone are the days of breaking promises made via conjoined limbs. President Trump and the Pinky cabinet have your back. The Department of Pinky Promises will ensure the next generation of American youth learns trust, resilience and ownership — three things Trump is still working on himself.
Violators of the pinky promise will be sent to jail, where they will not pass Go and can only escape if they roll a double or are enough of a douchebag to be pardoned by the president.
The second department listed is the Department of Wig. This department is pretty self-explanatory; it provides any bald person in America with a full head of hair. Because, as Trump knows, the worst crime a person can commit in America is being bald. The second worst crime? Having empathy, of course. By those standards, Trump practically has angel wings spouting from his back. It’s a shame they can only carry him to and from the tanning bed.
The third department listed just says “Mormon Church.” Beneath, in a tiny bullet point, reads: “Multiple wives for everyone!!!!!!”
Besides those main replacements, the napkin has an “honorable mentions” section written at the bottom. This, similar to everything Trump has said ever, looks like word vomit. In rapid fire, here is what’s listed: “Department of MAGA; Department of Dentists; Department of Mug Shots; Department of People Against Powerful Women; Department of Cheeto; Stilts for Short Men; Toupee Wait No Already Have Wig; Department of Useless Tariffs; Department of Fucking Over Allies; Department of Fart Haha Fart is Funny Word.”
Stay tuned for which replacement he decides to go with — my vote is for the Department of Impeachment. I’m hoping it will be filled with cartoonish, self-ejecting chairs.
Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
