Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

After spending hours trying to figure out what a “website” is and how it works, I have successfully navigated The Collegian catalog, and I have some notes.

For one, I don’t see what was wrong with the term Aggies. There isn’t the same ring to CSU students or even Rams, and I emphatically stand by my opinion that changing the face of the student body was a mistake. For this reason, I will affectionately refer to the lovely people of Colorado State University as they are known in my mind and heart: Aggies.

Now: the content.

As an editor myself, I feel a glowing pride for the modern writers of The Collegian. I can tell the staff is the cat’s meow, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from the intelligent minds of our dear newspaper — bravo.

“While much about today’s world confounds me, I am heartened by the same collegiate spirit I knew in my time. The thirst for knowledge, the drive to improve and the joy of community remain. Perhaps the details have changed, but the heart of the Aggie experience endures.”

As an old hack from the 20th century, I find your world to be astonishing. I am perplexed to learn about the scientific state of the modern age. By golly, things have gotten complex. This concept of climate change sounds familiar. Is it like that peculiar heat wave of 1921?

Those blokes didn’t panic; they simply wore fewer layers and carried on. Still, I commend you for tackling such issues with vigor. The modern Aggie is clearly undaunted by the enormity of the task.

I feel comforted that this generation of Aggies has the pluck to tackle it all. If we could weather the Great Depression, surely you could weather, well, the weather.

And oh, the technology. It is unbelievable to read the news from some telephone, typewriter, phonograph contraption. We thought we were at the height of innovation a century ago, but the modern age simply puts us to shame. How brilliantly absurd it must be to use robotic newsboys named Email. The question now is, can these glowing contraptions still play good jazz?

One thing that seems to be stuck in a time capsule is our beloved Aggie football team. Hooray for the Aggies on the field that brought home the Bronze Boot, and hooray that the Bronze Boot is cemented into Aggie tradition. I nearly squealed when I saw something I finally recognized. Even in my day, we had a robust sports section. I am pleased to see this is still the case.

I must admit my attention was quite drawn to the opinion section. Continuing to celebrate women’s joy? An excellent headline. Of course, in the ’20s, the joy was finally casting a ballot for the first time! I wonder: Are the flappers still flapping in celebration? And the one about birth control personalities — such an idea could come straight from a Jules Verne novel. I found myself equally bemused and confused.

Speaking of flappers, the photographs used display the tepid fashion of students in this modern era. And by the way, I am amazed at the concept of modern photography, just not amazed by the clothing. While I admire your efficiency, I can’t say leggings and hoodies rival the grandeur of a fine three-piece suit or a sequined flapper dress.

You may have us beat in science and technology, but you clearly cannot compete with the style of the roaring ’20s.

While much about today’s world confounds me, I am heartened by the same collegiate spirit I knew in my time. The thirst for knowledge, the drive to improve and the joy of community remain. Perhaps the details have changed, but the heart of the Aggie experience endures.

So here’s to you, modern Aggies. Let the 20s roar on! Keep up the fine work, and don’t forget to save some room in your busy lives for a good dance — perhaps a Charleston? After all, some traditions are worth keeping.

Reach Chloe Waskey at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.