Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Stand-up comedians have it all wrong. Telling a story or having a good punchline isn’t what makes someone funny. 

Even when people aren’t comedians, they like to be funny because it helps make friends. I often find that in social scenarios, the people who fare the best are the funny ones. However, most don’t go about humor in the right way. 

What makes them funny isn’t their wit, their charm or their whimsical outlook on life; it isn’t their situational awareness or their good references.  

Instead, it is their sharp tone they inflict on other people. That’s what makes them funny. Their capacity to make fun of others is a ceaseless source of laughs. But in order for it to be effective, they have to be ruthless in their joke style.

“In other words, those looking to improve their sense of humor shouldn’t try too hard to censor themselves or to be mindful of who else in a group is listening. When lots of people hear something embarrassing, it only gets funnier.“

Gentle ribbing and lighthearted humor simply aren’t the way to go when it comes to making and keeping friends; ridicule will tell others you are quality friend material. Humor is the best way to make friends while letting them know that they’re not number one. What else is a joke made for if not to put other people in their place? 

Now that I’m an adult, I’d expect nothing less. Gone are the days of false niceties, forced upon students like a reign of empathy from tyrannical teachers. Those days are no more. Now that we are left to our own devices, it seems only natural that we rebel against the kindness impressed upon us by our public schools.

Now as students who can make good decisions, we fall into our truest behavior as humans: unnecessary cruelty. 

College students are expected to act rudely because they’re adults. Adults aren’t known for being nice. They’re known for acting like little kids. Students, by putting others down to raise themselves up, are fulfilling their rightful place as stewards of hurt feelings. 

Nothing is more welcoming or friendly than making jokes at the expense of others — especially in a loud and public way. The less self-aware someone is, the funnier they are and the more friends they will have.

In other words, those looking to improve their sense of humor shouldn’t try too hard to censor themselves or to be mindful of who else in a group is listening. When lots of people hear something embarrassing, it only gets funnier.

This reminds me of this time when I was a kid and they had a comedian come to my school. He was so funny that the kids practically rioted, and the staff couldn’t invite him back. We shuffled into the gym for an assembly, waiting for the police officers to come by and give us their customary talk about good decision making. But instead of the police officers, this oddball in a vest with purple sequins came in.

He was strange, that’s for sure. He stood at the front of the room in his flashy vest and these big ol’ clown shoes with Napoleon Dynamite hair and taught us how to be funny. Who better to do the job? He pointed out one girl whose braids were uneven on her head. We laughed because it was true — she did look a little lopsided. 

He made fun of a boy who, at the beginning of the assembly, had tripped over his shoelaces. Most of us hadn’t seen him fall, but the idea of it made us laugh anyways. 

It went on like this for some time. It was a transformative experience. We were howling with hysterics, sweeping tears off our faces with the sheer joy of seeing each other get torn apart. Having never been exposed to real humor before in our bubble-wrapped world, we quickly became thirsty for more. 

When the crowd quieted down, the comedian told us that humor hits best when the person telling the joke thinks it is funny. Worrying about what others think or feel, he said, will never make you any friends.

So we listened. Now we’re funny.