Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

My dearest CAM,

I write to you as an anonymous buffalo today so I do not draw any national attention to my comments. It would be a shame to waste publicity on such a truly unimportant school.

While your school spent the first half of the 20th century trying out three other mascots before they settled on a glorified sheep, I have been fortunate enough to be the only animal to ever represent my school. So I say this with pity for your home situation; if you ever need a place to stay, you can crash on my couch.

While the University of Colorado Boulder has been in our Prime Time era, it seems that Big Ram summer never caught on.

This year, we had a record 68,000 applicants for the first-year class, and at least half of our admitted freshmen had 4.0 or higher high school GPAs. By the way, GPA stands for grade point average if you didn’t know. I mean, your acceptance rate is 91%.

Now, I know you’re up in Fort Collins doing your best to rally those Rams, but let’s face it: You’ll never be the best performing in athletics in Colorado — you’re not even second. Come on, CAM. You’re trying, I’ll give you that. But the University of Denver at least gets its hockey games on national TV.

While your Rams are out there grazing on mediocrity, we Buffs are stampeding through life, academics and the Big 12 Conference, which is in the Power Four. I don’t expect your fans to know that, as there’s really no point for them to watch football.

I mean, nobody thought you’d win against Texas. But 52-0 — I’m embarrassed for you, CAM. You know it’s bad when the other team’s star quarterback leaves the game and their backup scores two more touchdowns.

I think it’s really kind that you guys have decided to include the word “state” on all your football jerseys instead of just Colorado. Now none of our millions of fans around the country will accidentally order from your merch store.

But enough about football — let’s talk about the good ol’ country folk you call fans. I’m worried the parking spots at Canvas Stadium can’t fit all those massive lifted diesel trucks. 

It also seems like you are pretty jealous of some of our winter activities. I’m sorry you can’t afford a ski vacation of your own, but I hear it’s cheaper if you freebase it. Here in Boulder, we enjoy a good IPA and our High Noons. But hey, PBRs and Natty Lights are definitely more affordable, so enjoy your dirty water.

When you lose on Saturday, I want you to remember it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, our record against you is 68-22, so the stakes aren’t that high.

I know I’ve dogged on you throughout this letter, but I don’t want to gloat anymore. I really do feel sorry for you. Good luck, and don’t forget that a buffalo could trample over a sheep any day of the week.

Love,

An anonymous buffalo