Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Dear Chip and the student body of the University of Colorado Boulder,
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As the official mascot of Colorado State University, I would first like to fully acknowledge our longstanding history as the two biggest public universities in Colorado. I respect and understand why we have a feud because, as in many other parasocial relationships, there’s always one celebrity and one fanboy. Not to imply the beef is one-sided, but while you’re the only one spitting it out, here we like to swallow. You make it hard, though — buffalo burgers really taste like shit.
“I even found out that you, much like the CU student body, were a California transplant who moved here with “insatiable wanderlust” because the mountains felt “better than therapy.” Although I was surprised, it did explain your casual narcissism and moderate daddy issues despite maxing out your dad’s credit card on Arc’teryx. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, Chip.”
Chip, you and I used to be good pals. We go way back, even before you signed your life away to a bunch of virtue signalers who think they’re all Messiahs for owning a bong. It didn’t take long for the people to change you, though. You opened up a trust fund, made rock climbing your personality and developed severe vocal fry.
I even found out that you, much like the CU student body, were a California transplant who moved here with “insatiable wanderlust” because the mountains felt “better than therapy.” Although I was surprised, it did explain your casual narcissism and moderate daddy issues despite maxing out your dad’s credit card on Arc’teryx. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, Chip.
The CSU faculty and I welcome students from all paths, but regardless of where our Rams call home, we are all undoubtedly down-to-earth people. Speaking of, CSU is consistently voted one of the most environmentally friendly campuses in the country thanks to our ongoing sustainability efforts. I wish I could say the same for your campus, Chip, but the most persistent thing about Boulder is the PETA complaints. Here at CSU, we take pride in the care of our animals and my many handsome lookalikes, all who have nice, long, sustainable lives.
To be honest, though, in the past, I’ve dealt with insecurity — it’s hard not to compare myself to you, Chip, when you’re physically much bigger than me. But then I’m reminded that you share a mascot with a football team you will never be better than, and I share a mascot with the truck brand that all of you bitches drive.
One of my favorite parts about Fort Collins is autumn; the changing leaves, iced chais and cozy vibes are unmatched, especially in a city as beautiful as ours. Although I expected CU to feel the same, to my surprise, they can’t wait for winter — they’ve already hit the slopes this past August. I guess that powder really gets to you, huh?
At the end of the day, anywhere in Colorado, including Boulder, is an amazing place to live. In fact, Boulder was even ranked the 10th-best place to live in the U.S. in 2024, according to U.S. news — well below the No. 2 spot of Boise, Idaho. This is an amazing accomplishment because not only does Boulder make Boise look like the best city in the world, but it’s an accomplishment considering the average house value in Boulder is just shy of $1 million. Paying that much to live in Boulder is crazy, especially considering any normal person wouldn’t live there even if it was free.
All jokes aside, Chip, I’m hoping we can reconnect in person to settle our differences. In the meantime, I appreciate all the Instagram stalking, @chipthebuffalo. You might as well hit the follow button — it’s not like it’ll make a difference when @csucamtheram is almost 4,000 ahead.
Sincerely, CAM the Ram
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Reach Emma Souza at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @_emmasouza.
