Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
It was a typical Wednesday morning — or so I thought. I walked out of my room to broken coffee mugs shattered all over the floor, and none of my roommates were in sight.
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“Typical roommates,” I thought, and I threw on my dinosaur slippers to start making my morning cup of Joe.
Once I finished adding my creamer and milk, I sat down and opened my phone to check the news. All of a sudden, I dropped my Joe and jaw to the floor — I understood now why my roommates were nowhere to be found.
“Nikki Haley suspends presidential campaign.” I stared at the headline until it didn’t look like English anymore. Running to my balcony, I saw my entire apartment complex in chaotic disarray, everyone running around screaming like the world was over. Well, except one of those annoying Collegian reporters trying to get pictures of the suffering.
The Collegian reporter in question was me, interviewing students around my apartment complex in slippers, Paw Patrol sweatpants and a SpongeBob SquarePants tank top. I find this outfit is what I am able to think best in.
“I mean, who could have expected this?” said Jara Dakota, my next-door neighbor. “Nothing could have prepared me for this news today, and I don’t know how to go on.”
March 6, 2024, will go down in infamy, just as the January 6, 2021, did.
“She went viral in December trying to argue the primary reason for the Civil War was not slavery.” –Tori Ghills, political science professor
“It’s not like there were clear signs,” Republican voter Dean Philips said. “I thought Vermont and D.C. were more than enough delegates — the threshold is simply too high.”
Haley, who had been trailing Donald Trump in delegates, stood as his only opposition left in the race. Many were hopeful that Haley would be able to make a comeback during Super Tuesday and close the gap between her and Trump on delegates.
“Close the gap?” Dakota said. “I don’t know, it just feels like Trump was going to be the GOP nominee all along or something.”
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In shock that Haley actually did finally suspend her campaign and letting it settle in that Trump would be the nominee for the Republican Party, Dakota broke down crying.
“I think it just hadn’t occurred to me that it would seriously be another Trump versus Joe Biden election,” Philips said. “We’re acting like Marianne Williamson dropping out also wasn’t a surprise!”
Many moderate Republicans and independents had counted on Haley being a less controversial pick to go against Biden in November.
“I am not super sure why the general public seems to think this,” said Tori Ghills, a professor of political science at Colorado State University. “She went viral in December trying to argue the primary reason for the Civil War was not slavery.”
Many were surprised to hear about these comments from Haley.
Take care of yourselves and stay safe out there, Haley and Williamson stans. It can be hard to accept what was going to happen all along. If you are experiencing denial, please consult your best friend for a wake-up call.
Reach Caden Proulx at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
