April Fools: Nut tier list

Let’s talk about nuts.


(Graphic illustration by First Mate Corndog on Tiermaker.)

First Mate Corndog, Nut Ranker

As journalists, we discuss a lot of controversial topics. From politics to war to deadly viruses, our newsroom has faced heated discussions and debates.

Nothing has challenged our thinking, opened our minds or angered us more deeply than discussing the best nut.


Every day our journalists fiercely debate this, and since I am the smartest, most qualified member of our staff, it is only right that I make the final decision. Here is the definitive nut tier list. I will not be taking questions about my nut choices at this time.

  1. Peanuts: What more can I say? Unless you have a peanut allergy (meaning you’re the weakest link in society), this should be your favorite nut. Further, it would be a dishonor to Mr. Peanut, who tragically passed away in 2020 after a fall, to rank anything else as No. 1.
  2. Peanuts: So great you have to list them twice. If you don’t agree, you have the tastebuds of a raccoon who has spent its entire life eating trash.
  3. Pecan (pronounced pee-CAN): The obvious No. 3 result. I am 100% sure all of you had this listed as your own No. 3 because pecan pie is the best pie hands down (pie tier list coming soon). They also taste great as a healthy add-on to your triple fudge quadruple chocolate sundae so you can feel better about your shitty health decisions.
  4. Wall nuts: Yes that spelling is correct (not). The omega-3 fatty acids help you burn fat (I think) and boost brain power.
  5. Almonds: This is when the list starts to get serious. The only people who eat almonds and enjoy them are serial killers and middle-aged men who think bourbon is the only good alcohol.
  6. Pistachios: Honestly, pistachios are garbage, and the only reason I placed them this high is because I have taken multiple bribes. Trash Nut. Also, WHO wants pistachiHOE ice cream — what is wrong with you? Are you wannabe healthy, or do you just like torturing yourself with bad ice cream? You probably like cashews too. Disgusting.
  7. Hazelnut: If you think these should be higher, you’re probably a 13-year-old girl who won’t shut the fuck up about having a Nutella sandwich for lunch every day — please get help and a dietitian — or you’re a Karen who drinks Hazelnut Nestle Coffee mate in her dusty ass Keurig coffee every morning to give her energy before she goes out and tortures the rest of society.
  8. Brazil nuts: Never had them before, but they seem nice. Probably better than cashews, but what isn’t?
  9. Macaroni nuts: Picture this: You’re in the dining hall looking for dessert. It’s late in the afternoon, and you go to the cookie station to find nothing but macadamia nut cookies. I have never seen someone eat one of these before and probably never will. If you like these you need to be in PERMANENT solitary confinement.

*Editors note: If you noticed cashews were not on this tier list: Unfortunately this list required all entries to be semi-edible. Cashews are not; they probably cause global warming, wars, famine and taco bell to give you the shits. They do not have a place in modern society and especially do not have a place in the newsroom. People who like cashews are into these things:

  • They enjoy watching reruns of golf.
  • You can find them binge-watching paint dry.
  • They hate dogs, cats and fun.
  • They say things like, “You guys ready to rock and roll?” after finishing a meal at a restaurant.
  • They feel a rush when entering Clark A (or B, or C).
  • They are the design director at The Collegian.

Reach Pirate of the Collegian reporter First Mate Corndog at managingeditor@collegian.com or on Twitter @DevlyThings