Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Nothing quite revs my engine like the beginning of spring. It’s not the warm weather and the lack of seasonal depression that make this time of year so riveting, it’s the annual elections for the Associated Students of Colorado State University that have kept me going over the years, and this year was a particularly tantalizing treat. 

As we all know, this year’s elections saw record-breaking student engagement from both our beloved student leaders and the student body. When I first learned presidential and vice presidential candidates Robert Long and Elijah Sandoval were running uncontested, I had a hollow, aching feeling in my heart that my darling ASCSU elections wouldn’t be action-packed.

“Instead of driving to school, we can take carriages led by squirrels on steroids. Not only is it sustainable, it beats the parking situation on campus any day.”

Boy was I wrong, and thank God I was. As soon as the campaigning started, I remembered how fervently passionate the student body is about local politics, even if the only options we had this year were three candidates for speaker of the senate. But that was the best part! The overwhelming anxiety of choosing between so many treasured student representatives was taken away so we could enjoy the best part about the election, which is simply showing our unwavering support for this precious organization. 

In the past, having more than one candidate to choose from for president and vice president has made me sick to my stomach. How could it not? Picking one ASCSU representative over the other is like choosing a favorite song; they’re all so good you just wish you could have them all. This year we got our cake and we got to devour it because even though Long and Sandoval had no competition, they campaigned like their lives depended on it.

After all, running for any leadership position within ASCSU is not for the faint of heart; it takes blood, sweat and tears to make eight Instagram posts. This year’s elections were quite the show-stopper. We all thought the Will Smith slap would be the most iconic moment of the year, but ASCSU had another plan. 

I won’t soon forget when the candidates blocked off The Plaza last week to rent a bouncy castle.

“This is what student government is all about,” said first-year paranormal investigation major Connie Salami about the bouncy castle. “It’s about spending our student fees on useless crap that only brings us surface-level joy to escape the mounting fear of misallocation of student funds.” 

Bouncy castles were just the tip of the iceberg. Nobody could have expected the candidates to ride into The Plaza on a carriage led by campus squirrels. Students were confused until the release of an Instagram announcement from the candidates explaining they were shifting their campaign to focus on training elite groups of athletic squirrels in order to combat the transportation issues on campus. 

Instead of driving to school, we can take carriages led by squirrels on steroids. Not only is it sustainable, it beats the parking situation on campus any day.

But just when we thought the delicious excitement of plastic abodes and rodent-powered vehicles couldn’t be topped, voting day rolled around. Within the first hour of voting opening on RAMweb, the website crashed due to overwhelming traffic caused by an influx of student voters.

“It was unlike anything we’ve ever seen before,” said Java Script, a student who works at RAMtech. “I can remember exactly where I was when it happened. Voting opened, and it’s like the world just stood still. Everyone and their dog was trying to get their vote in. We had nonstop calls and emails, but that wasn’t the worst part. We knew it was bad when waves of people would come in one after another yelling at us to fix their goddamned RAMweb.” 

A total of 133 students voted in this year’s elections, setting a new record for student participation. This year’s elections were certainly one for the books, and if this coming year is anything like the campaigns, we’re in for the time of our lives. 

Rams really do take care and take action. 

Reach Pirate of the Collegian reporter Meow Hiss at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.