Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Men, you’ve likely watched generations of men before you call their girlfriends crazy. Since the dawn of time, men have been gaslighting women. For those of you who aren’t quite as experienced, to gaslight means to emotionally manipulate someone and have them question their own sanity.

We all know most women are generally crazy, and every man who says he has a crazy ex-girlfriend is absolutely telling the truth. Women go mad for no reason all the time. But just in case you need to win an argument, gaslighting is going to be an important strategy.

1. Make her question her memory

This is arguably the most important step in gaslighting a woman. You need to make sure she feels as though she is misremembering every situation she looks back on while you are correcting her memory to your advantage. Does she explicitly remember you saying you wanted to be in a committed relationship when you first started talking? Well, she’s wrong. No, you didn’t; you would never say something so absolutely unhinged. She is definitely misremembering that one.

Don’t want to follow through on plans you made with her? Just say you never solidified the details, and if she argues with you, just keep saying, “You’re not remembering things correctly.” Eventually, she’ll become too frustrated to argue with you on this one. If she isn’t ready to check herself into a hospital for memory loss by the end of her time with you, you’re doing it wrong. 

Sure, you said you love her, but you’ve also said that to your dog and your vape, so why she thinks it means anything is a mystery to you.”

2. Never take responsibility for your actions

Whatever you do, never make the foolish mistake of taking responsibility for your actions. Everything you have done, she is also responsible for, at least a little bit. Did you cheat on her? You may have done the action, but if she was giving you more attention, you wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere for it. Did you not cook dinner when you were supposed to? Well, she was supposed to get the groceries. You get the gist of this.

Make sure that if you are feeling like she wants you to apologize, you phrase it as, “I’m sorry, but you …,” then proceed to bring up the things she has done. Qualifying statements are your friend here. Taking responsibility and accountability makes you appear as though you’ve gone to therapy to improve your relationships. We want to avoid that. 

3. Every reaction is an overreaction

Remember that women can only ever overreact and be too emotional. If she is crying about a situation or something you did, make sure you make her feel like she is less of a partner, boss, friend, employee, etc., because of how emotional she is. It’s absolutely ridiculous that she cannot have a normal conversation about something upsetting without crying. If she is angry about something, make sure you make her feel like she’s insane by saying the situation is not as intense as she is making it out to be. A woman cannot be upset — she can only be hysterical.  

4. Cite your friends

If you are arguing with your girlfriend, make sure you explain to her that there is no possible way she can be right because you told your friends about the situation (preferably your male friends; no explanation needed here), and they all agree with you. That will really show her she’s wrong, if she sees that all your male friends are on your side. This is another situation when she will probably become too frustrated — understandably because she is trying to counter your flawless logic — to continue arguing.

5. Change the meaning of everything you’ve ever said

Yes, you did say sex was meaningful to you in the past, but now that you’re ready to slowly back away from the situation and ghost her, it was just casual hooking up to you. Of course, you told her your entire life story and shared all your trauma with her, but that doesn’t make her “special to you” — that makes you casual friends.

Sure, you said you love her, but you’ve also said that to your dog and your vape, so why she thinks it means anything is a mystery to you. Maybe you said you wanted a relationship when you first started seeing each other, but that doesn’t mean you actually wanted a relationship — it means you wanted to use her as a therapist and have sex with her until you were bored, then dip. 

If you follow these steps, you’ll be able to maneuver your way out of any relationship or talking stage without having to take responsibility for a single action, and you’ll get to watch some poor girl question her memory and sanity.

Katrina Leibee can be reached at letters@collegian.com or Twitter @KatrinaLeibee.