The Plaza leading up to the Lory Student Center is almost always filled with chalk messages. The constant barrage of advertising from religious organizations, student groups and various political campaigns makes it hard to notice any of the chalk messages in particular since there’s just so damn many of them. Last week, though, there was one message scrawled across the sidewalk in front of the LSC doors that caught my eye.

“Let’s talk about PORN!” it said in big, bold bubble letters.

I’d absolutely love to.

The bright chalk message was written by a church group, which is ostensibly anti-porn. Let me tell you why that is a truly awful take.

Why spend your nights having real sexual intercourse with another human being that will probably leave you both half-satisfied when you can just stay in your room and hit yourself with a lil’ yoinky sploinky?”

First and foremost, let’s consider the physical benefits to watching an ungodly amount of porn. One of the most obvious advantages to spending all your free time jerking it is that it builds your upper body strength, as multiple studies have shown.

Sure, it may only give you gains on one side of your body, but isn’t having at least one of your arms totally jacked better than neither of them? If nothing else, a daily round of jerkin’ the gherkin will help build your physique, all in the comfort of your own bed.

Secondly, let’s be real: No one knows you better than you. Sitting down and flicking the bean allows you to go down all the frankly disgusting and unmentionable rabbit holes your partner would never engage in. Why spend your nights having real sexual intercourse with another human being that will probably leave you both half-satisfied when you can just stay in your room and hit yourself with a lil’ yoinky sploinky?

Overly horny porn addicts aren’t so different from these prayer-crazy religious nuts. We both have at least one thing in common that we can — and should — bond over: Our favorite position is on our knees.”

Critics may say doing productive things like reading, taking up new crafts and hobbies or studying for classes is a better use of your alone time, but c’mon — painting the pickle is just so much more fun.

Speaking of critics of pornography, let’s tackle one of the points my colleague Cat Blouch brought up: the notion that porn plots tend to be poorly structured and unrealistic. She argued that no one wants extra sausage from their pizza delivery drivers anymore and there aren’t plumbers who go out of their way to lay a little extra pipe.

To me, that sounds like a personal problem. You’re telling me your life is so boring that you’ve never gone on these raunchy sexcapades? Trust me when I say these experiences certainly aren’t just made up for low-budget porn flicks.

If your hookup experiences are only with Tinder matches, then you’re just not ordering from the right pizza places, not hiring the right plumbers and not getting in the right, totally real taxis. Blouch’s argument is wrong in literally every way.

On top of that, let’s remember we’re still in a pandemic. Even though schools, businesses and sex shops are opening back up, it’s important to remember social distancing is still the best way to keep yourself and those around you safe from sickness. I can’t think of a better way to spend your self-isolation than by pumping the python.

Even though I have my disagreements with porn naysayers, all of us overly horny porn addicts aren’t so different from these prayer-crazy religious nuts. We both have at least one thing in common that we can — and should — bond over: Our favorite position is on our knees.

Dylan Tusinski can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @unwashedtiedye.