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(Graphic Illustration By Falyn Sebastian | The Collegian)

Seriously Head to Head: Watching tons of porn

Two columnists discuss the positive and negative repercussions of watching porn.

January 20, 2022

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Cat Blouch, a staunchly anti-porn advocate, argues against the devil-influenced gateway drug to masturbation. For Blouch, porn is a tricky subject full of ethical dilemmas and completely unrealistic plotlines. Alternatively, Dylan Tusinski argues that excessive consumption of online porn will lead to crazy results in your upper body muscles, and it’s the perfect way to get your body in tune. Additionally, Tusinski mentions the fact that sex is often half-fulfilling, so doing it yourself through obsessive, chronic masturbation is the perfect way to never leave a sexual interaction unsatisfied ever again.

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Why watching tons of porn is good for you

The Plaza leading up to the Lory Student Center is almost always filled with chalk messages. The constant barrage of advertising from religious organizations, student groups and various political campaigns makes it hard to notice any of the chalk messages in particular since there’s just so damn many of them. Last week, though, there was one message scrawled across the sidewalk in front of the LSC doors that caught my eye.

“Let’s talk about PORN!” it said in big, bold bubble letters.

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I’d absolutely love to.

The bright chalk message was written by a church group, which is ostensibly anti-porn. Let me tell you why that is a truly awful take.

Why spend your nights having real sexual intercourse with another human being that will probably leave you both half-satisfied when you can just stay in your room and hit yourself with a lil’ yoinky sploinky?”

First and foremost, let’s consider the physical benefits to watching an ungodly amount of porn. One of the most obvious advantages to spending all your free time jerking it is that it builds your upper body strength, as multiple studies have shown.

Sure, it may only give you gains on one side of your body, but isn’t having at least one of your arms totally jacked better than neither of them? If nothing else, a daily round of jerkin’ the gherkin will help build your physique, all in the comfort of your own bed.

Secondly, let’s be real: No one knows you better than you. Sitting down and flicking the bean allows you to go down all the frankly disgusting and unmentionable rabbit holes your partner would never engage in. Why spend your nights having real sexual intercourse with another human being that will probably leave you both half-satisfied when you can just stay in your room and hit yourself with a lil’ yoinky sploinky?

Overly horny porn addicts aren’t so different from these prayer-crazy religious nuts. We both have at least one thing in common that we can — and should — bond over: Our favorite position is on our knees.”

Critics may say doing productive things like reading, taking up new crafts and hobbies or studying for classes is a better use of your alone time, but c’mon — painting the pickle is just so much more fun.

Speaking of critics of pornography, let’s tackle one of the points my colleague Cat Blouch brought up: the notion that porn plots tend to be poorly structured and unrealistic. She argued that no one wants extra sausage from their pizza delivery drivers anymore and there aren’t plumbers who go out of their way to lay a little extra pipe.

To me, that sounds like a personal problem. You’re telling me your life is so boring that you’ve never gone on these raunchy sexcapades? Trust me when I say these experiences certainly aren’t just made up for low-budget porn flicks.

If your hookup experiences are only with Tinder matches, then you’re just not ordering from the right pizza places, not hiring the right plumbers and not getting in the right, totally real taxis. Blouch’s argument is wrong in literally every way.

On top of that, let’s remember we’re still in a pandemic. Even though schools, businesses and sex shops are opening back up, it’s important to remember social distancing is still the best way to keep yourself and those around you safe from sickness. I can’t think of a better way to spend your self-isolation than by pumping the python.

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Even though I have my disagreements with porn naysayers, all of us overly horny porn addicts aren’t so different from these prayer-crazy religious nuts. We both have at least one thing in common that we can — and should — bond over: Our favorite position is on our knees.

Dylan Tusinski can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @unwashedtiedye.

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Why watching tons of porn is bad for you

This past week, chalk messages at the Lory Student Center have sparked many heated conversations at The Collegian‘s opinion desk — none of them, though, have been as polarizing as the debate over porn. So we’re taking this one to the streets to finally resolve our heated discussion once and for all. And by streets, I mean a head-to-head.

Porn is yucky, and if you watch it, you’re probably an incel. Porn is the gateway drug to masturbation, and everybody knows if you even think about your genitals before marriage, you’re automatically securing yourself a nice, cozy seat in the fiery depths of hell.

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Everyone knows the only ethical sex position is missionary with deep, prolonged eye contact. I don’t know what kind of porn you’re watching, but I guarantee they’re glamorizing some pretty raunchy positions. Do you honestly think contorting your body at obscene angles is hot? I bet you get turned on doing yoga or playing Twister, you sick freak. 

I’ve seen it too many times before. These kids get hooked on the porn and then their vibe is completely out of wack. And for what? A quick rub on a Friday afternoon? You’re risking your whole future for a quick nut.” -Anthony Fauci 

Porn not only displays some pretty grotesque body contortions, but the plots are horrendous. We should not be allowing the porn industry to romanticize this terrible acting with awful plots. I’m sorry, but when was the last time you gave your pizza delivery man a blowjob? All I’m saying is I have yet to meet a single attractive plumber. 

If they’re going to make porn, the least they could do is make the plot accurate — life is not that exciting. You meet up with your Tinder match, you get your guts rearranged and you go on your merry way, never to speak to the individual again. But when do you see that in porn? 

Not only is porn gross and unrealistic, but it also causes brain damage. That’s right — brain damage. The World Health Organization recently came out with a study that suggests watching porn for five minutes a day is associated with a decrease in one’s ability to vibe check oneself.

“I’ve seen it too many times before,” said world-renowned medical professional Anthony Fauci. “These kids get hooked on the porn, and then their vibe is completely out of wack. And for what? A quick rub on a Friday afternoon? You’re risking your whole future for a quick nut.”

While my colleague Dylan Tusinski claims watching porn and masturbating can lead to an increase in upper body strength, this is a moot point. Do you know what else increases your upper body strength? Aggressively turning the pages of a Bible. You can still get jacked without jacking your future.

You’ve heard the facts. Next time you’re scrolling on Pornhub, think about the risks. 

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.

About the Contributor
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Cat Blouch, Social Media Editor

Cat Blouch is the social media editor at The Collegian. They are a fourth-year student at Colorado State University studying business administration with...

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