In the times of the COVID-19 pineapple, all we have left is chaos. Instead of trying to grasp the passage of time or make sense of the utter insanity, it’s better to just give into the fact that it is a lawless land. It’s yeet or be yeeted.
With that being said, there are a few social norms on campus that are overdue for people to break. Let’s throw caution to the wind.
Drive in the “do not enter” spot
Next to the Colorado State University Transit Center at the Lory Student Center sits a forbidden location for two-way traffic. While you’re not supposed to drive past the “do not enter” signs, I do it all the time and haven’t been caught yet. If we all do it, can they really arrest us?
Stay at the Behavioral Sciences Building
Back in the good old days, the BSB didn’t really close. You could stay in the building until 4 a.m. and nobody would stop you. It’s time to bring this tradition back. Better yet, let’s camp out! What better way to create those sweet college memories than pitching a tent with the bros. If they want to complain, just explain it’s a social experiment — it is the Behavioral Sciences Building, after all.
Call your professor “mom” or “dad”
This is an oldie but a goodie. Nothing makes a teacher more uncomfortable than questioning the power dynamic. Maybe they’ll even feel bad enough for you that you don’t have a strong parent figure and give you an extension.
Tell him you love him after you have sex. Show an emotion. What is there to lose?”
Wear merchandise from the University of Northern Colorado
Repping the Buff country is one thing, but UNC is like the weird middle child, and if you rep them, it will just leave people confused rather than bitter. Bewilderment is a much grander time than resentment.
Vote in the Associated Students of Colorado State University presidential and vice presidential elections
What are you, some type of nerd? Last time I checked, nobody cares about where their student fees are going, so actually taking the time to vote is sure to make you stand out in a crowd.
Stay overnight in a fraternity house
Typically, I like to employ the classic tactic of “smash and dash,” but if you’re looking for a quirky norm to break, overstay your welcome! Make yourself at home; leave your spare toothbrush there to mark your territory. Start asking when he wants to meet your parents. Tell him you love him after you have sex. Show an emotion. What is there to lose?
Ride a Bird scooter inside the LSC
Will you be arrested? No — you will be too fast for any cop. Will you create a very special lifelong memory? Most definitely.
Participate in a cult
Did I say cult? I meant any Greek life ceremony. Pledge your allegiance to your brothers and sisters by standing in a dark room while getting told how to act and what to say.
Hack into the Canvas mainframe and change your grades
Hey, it’s your tuition you’re spending, so you might as well get your money’s worth. Remember that it’s a lawless land, and everyone cheats anyway.
Steal a stress-relief puppy
If they’re not going to provide legitimately effective mental health resources, the very least you can do is take home a chunky little golden retriever to fill the ever-present hole in your cold, dead heart.
Become a business major
Nothing says “I am a clown” like selling yourself to the corporation. Do your knees hurt from all the time you spend trying to please your daddy Jeff Bezos?
No matter which norm you choose to break, just remember that being a rule-breaking goon is a phase we all must go through, COVID-19 peninsula or not.
The Unprecedented Times reporter Dog Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.
