Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Authorities officially declared Collegian editor Baul Prull a missing person on March 22.

Prull was a diligent reporter and a daring investigator with a dummy-thick will to uncover Fort Collins’ biggest conspiracy yet. Before his disappearance, Prull shared with Collegian reporters all the written notes and voice recordings he gathered throughout his tireless investigations with instructions to “get this out there and nail the bastards.” 

Prull left behind a humble request with his material: “When you guys publish this, make me sound like a badass.” To honor the memory of the most fearless journalist to ever grace the halls of the Collegian’s pale basement offices (even though he never saw the office walls, since all operations have been online), the following article will lay out everything that Prull found before his super disappearance.

I wonder if biscuit woman was right about anything?”-Baul Prull, Collegian reporter

We’ve edited the material for clarity and to maximize Prull’s request to “sound like a badass.”

Following his interview with Mary Crumpet, Prull mulled over her testimony and the facts at his disposal. After initially doubting Miss Crumpet, presumably because of her “pastry name,” Prull decided to follow up on some of her claims. He wrote, “I wonder if biscuit woman was right about anything?”

He started with the suspicious vans. Prull fearlessly staked out several mattress store locations between Fort Collins and Denver over the course of numerous days, subsisting on “peanuts, coffee and a rock-hard chub for the truth.” Before long, a pattern started to emerge: “too much nuts and caffeine make tummy angry.”

Prull also noted some “seriously suspicious” van drivers unloading mattresses and discarding them. Investigating the discarded mattresses, he noted in an Australian accent that he was “Steve Irwin getting close to a wild (and badass) animal.” Then, “Crikey! It’s got coke in it!”

Prull fearlessly discovered that discarded mattresses across Northern Colorado contained residues of narcotics and sometimes blood. He emphasized that these “fluffy drug pockets” were always found outside chain stores like Mattress “R” Us, the shady store that first attracted the Collegian’s attention. 

To cross-compare findings, Prull bravely visited Hemp Hempley’s Bed Stuff and Dispensary in Windsor, an establishment that “makes their mattresses out of hemp and cannabis, the honest and legal way.” Prull asked if they ever discarded any of their mattresses, and learned that they never do. “But we do burn some,” one employee said with a chuckle. 

When Prull mentioned that he had seen stores like Mattress “R” Us throwing away their mattresses, he was immediately asked to leave Hemp Hempley’s. After the encounter Prull noted: “They don’t wanna talk, and something tells me it’s not just because of the cannabis.”

The investigation then took the fearless Prull back to Fort Collins. He visited a random residence much like one Crumpet described in her interview. Occupied by three college-aged individuals, the four-bedroom domicile “reeked of something sus 一 oh wait, that’s just the beer stain on the carpet.”

Prull learned that the individuals’ landlord insisted on keeping one unoccupied mattress in the fourth bedroom at all times, and that the mattress was rotated for a new one on an irregular basis, always when nobody was home. The intrepid reporter asked permission to investigate the mattress, commenting aloud to himself, “Good thing I brought my (very badass) knife with me.” Upon cutting open the mattress, Prull found powdered cocaine hidden inside. The tenants’ dog soon contracted the zoomies.

Prull was constipated with peanuts, coffee and questions. “Why discard the mattresses? Why rotate them out of U+2 homes? Why am I breathing so fast?” The bold and fearless Prull would not rest, however, until he knew the truth.

Prull’s last investigation took him to the Longmont Police Station to talk to Officer Sus McShady, where he asked about the employee that was arrested at the Longmont mattress store. The officer said, “The press is the enemy of the people,” and asked Prull to leave. 

After the encounter, Prull compiled all of his material and sent it to The Collegian. No one has heard from Prull since. 

In the meantime, The Collegian has work to do. We now have no doubt that something is dreadfully amiss with the mattress situation in Northern Colorado. But too many questions remain unanswered. Where are the drugs coming from? Why are they being stored in mattresses? Who on Earth is behind all of this?

The Collegian will not stop until the truth is revealed. By April 1, we intend to crack this case wide open.

Read parts one, two and three of the investigation.

Cody Cooke can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CodyCooke17.