Seriously: Top 10 red flags that come with dating men

Cat Blouch

Graphic of a silhouetted head with raised eyebrows with text that says "Seriously by the Collegian"
(Graphic illustration by Colin Crawford | The Collegian)

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

When you look at life through rose-colored glasses, it is hard to see all of the red flags men so brazenly wave in our faces. 

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They can’t play us all if we refuse to even play the game in the first place.”

Dating is hard. Dating men is even more of a challenge. Take it from me; I am a bisexual woman, meaning I have the choice to date exclusively women, yet I knowingly walk into the raging hellfire that is dating a man. It is an embarrassing look, but I am an expert at ignoring red flags. Here are some of my favorites. 

  1. He cancels plans: There is no pain akin to shaving your vagina only to have the plan canceled. Do you know how difficult of a task that is? Does he know the angles I had to contort to in order to slice off every last hair? No. He’ll never know, because the only thing he has in his brain is the audacity.
  2. He leaves you on delivered/read: Call me Ivan Pavlov’s dog because I am a b*tch for the intermittent reward that comes with the inconsistent replies. Will it be one hour? Eight hours? Three days? Who knows! I crave the sweet reward of the little attention given to me by men who are unobtainable.
  3. He says he’s “not looking for a relationship”: Here is a piece of advice. He isn’t “not looking for a relationship” because his ex hurt him. He doesn’t want a relationship because he wants the freedom of having sex with whoever he wants. That is totally fine, but let’s save the monologues for the therapy couch instead of for the girl you just had sex with.
    A phone with the Tinder App
    With the help of dating apps and direct messaging, finding your next significant other can either be a blessing or a curse. (Collegian file photo)
  4. He doesn’t have a skincare routine: Nothing says “I am ready for a commitment” like not having a commitment to personal hygiene. Men, I know you’re young, wild and free right now, but when you’re 40 and you look like a raisin, you’ll be sorry for all the nights you blacked out and went straight to your bed before you applied moisturizer.
  5. He asks you to do anal within the first week: Excuse me, sir. That is literally my butthole we’re talking about. You don’t even know my middle name, and you want to explore all that? Try again. 
  6. He drinks more days during the week than not: If you hear him say, “It’s not alcoholism until you graduate,” it is time to go. He’ll have fun post-graduation when his glory days are over and the only thing he has on his resume is his mediocre skill at throwing tiny plastic balls into red cups. I’m sure Google will be chomping at the bit to hire him.
  7. He has dry Snapchats: Nothing makes me hornier than seeing the top right corner of a man’s face! That way, I can really tell he’s an intellectual, and he doesn’t just have the same three thoughts rotating through his head like a child endlessly walking through a revolving door. 
  8. He continuously asks what “you are looking for” but cannot answer the question himself: It would be easier if he just came right out and said, “I am afraid that you will leave me, but I also want the option of leaving you.” 
  9. He gives you mixed messages: Are relationships parkour to him? Because his ability to jump from showing clear signs of interest to treating me like I smell like leftovers that are rotting in the back of his fridge is nothing short of exceptional. 
  10. He is a business major: Do I really need to explain this one? 

The only consistent thing about dating men is that we all get played eventually. No matter what your favorite red flag is, you still come out the other end looking like a clown. So do yourself a favor, and focus on yourself. Those pre-recorded lectures from last week are looking mighty sexy. While you’re at it, take up a new hobby. Knitting is still a sexier look than begging for the bare minimum from a man that literally looks like a wet noodle. They can’t play us all if we refuse to even play the game in the first place.

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.