Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS, Colo. — In a time of political turmoil, civil unrest, raging wildfires and the spread of a deadly virus, only one beacon of hope can shine his beautiful light on the hearts of those across the globe.
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The state of chaos we are collectively experiencing can be compared exclusively to the stress levels and the true unabashed panic of Alfredo Linguini from “Ratatouille” when he couldn’t cook anything yet still managed to be hired as a chef in an upscale restaurant, which is a relatable amount of bullsh*ttery.
Who did this incompetent ginger turn to in his time of need? None other than the only man who has yet to hurt my feelings: my beautiful, thick boy, also known as Remy the Rat.
I know how hard it is to watch TikTok these days, when we are so engrossed in our online lectures. If you aren’t up to speed, for lack of a better way to phrase this, there is a new chef in town. As Remy’s number one fan since 2007, I’m here to tell you why you can find solace in the church of Remy from “Ratatouille.”
@remysrats666
- He thick: The man has cakes and cakes, if you know what I mean. He has an objectively hot body. Though some may be initially intimidated by such an attractive male form, I assure you that his humble energy makes him less threatening.
- He can cook: “Anyone can cook”? Really, Auguste Gusteau? Get over yourself. Yes, anyone can pour milk into a bowl of cereal. But can everyone really create an orgasmic symphony of flavor like Remy can? I don’t think so. His cooking skills are clearly god-tier, and thus should be treated accordingly.
“Linguine has one brain cell, crippling bottom-energy and is nothing more than a glorified trust fund baby.”
- He’s funny: Every day when I slip further into the firm grasp of my existential dread as I milk myself dry with questionably humorous content, I take solace in the fact that none of my feeble attempts at humor are worthwhile. I know that my main man Remy has more comedic timing in his little rat toe than I could ever hope to approach in this lifetime.
- He’s ambitious: That boy who takes two hours to respond to your Snapchat probably just congratulated himself for filling out one discussion post. Remy, on the other hand, manages his own restaurant for both rat and human patrons alike. Until Dylan from sigma tigma ligma can provide us with receipts of some genuine accomplishment, we could all do ourselves a favor and choose Remy instead.
- He will support you: Linguine has one brain cell, crippling bottom-energy and is nothing more than a glorified trust fund baby. Yet Remy, though clearly leagues above Linguine, still risked his life for this loser. If he’s willing to do that, then I guarantee he would support all of your hopes and dreams.
- He’s a gamer girl: If you think Among Us is good, you have only scratched the surface of the absolute roller coaster and emotional complexity that is “Ratatouille” the game. It’s available on Game Boy Advance, GameCube, Microsoft Windows, Nintendo DS, OS X, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, Wii, Xbox, Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. You don’t have any excuses, sweetie.
While this is not an exhaustive list, if this hasn’t been enough information to entice you, then, frankly, you’re as hopeless as Linguini. In that case, I wish you nothing but failed dish after failed dish until you realize how hollow your life is without Remy.
On the other hand, for all you Colette Tatou-minded individuals that actually have a lick of self-competency, on behalf of Remy, I welcome you to the rat pack.
No matter your identity, he welcomes all. Come, brethren. Your rat family is calling.
Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.
