Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — For many students, adulthood sneaks up on them as quickly as Christmas sneaks up on a Halloween-induced hangover. As soon as we turn 18, we are immediately bombarded by a lot of activities that are essential aspects of adulthood.

The primitive idea of grocery shopping for actual meals (not snacks), paying bills every single month and discovering that you actually have to make your own dentist appointments makes me faint.

Thanks to the super educational adulting 101 class that Colorado State University graciously offers, I had the mentally stimulating opportunity to survey students on their expectations for adulthood and things they felt they were totally unprepared for.

1. Student loans 

Students are beginning to realize that student loans are super easy to understand. Anyone with basic reading skills would definitely agree it is a great idea to sign yourself up for 40-year debt. Based on the results of the survey, 42% of students know exactly how they are going to pay off their student loan debt within the first six months post-graduation.

“I’m worried that students know too much about the terms and conditions of private student loan packages,” CSU business professor Stockleigh Marketeria says in response to concerns voiced by the CSU Office of Financial Aid. 

“What happens when we run out of ways to blindside students into thinking this is an advantageous deal?” asks Marketeria as she nervously bites her nails.

“I thought that we were summoned there like jury duty or something.”-John Smith, Student

2. Making appointments

100% of CSU students reported not being able to trust anyone whose hands do not get sweaty while calling up the doctor’s office to schedule a routine check-up. The stats never lie.

When talking to student John Smith about his thoughts on making appointments, a funny quote of his stuck out to me.

“I thought that we were summoned there like jury duty or something,” he said. Same, John, same.

3. Planning meals 

Many students report going out to eat every single night despite the pandemic. Marsha Ramsey, an undeclared student with an interest in culinary sciences, says that she does this to relieve the stress that comes with planning meals and cooking them. Her roommates were completely on board with it, stating that on multiple occasions, the house was nearly burned down.

In this economy, it is simply too much of a financial burden for students to go out and buy $100 worth of groceries every month. When students do go out for groceries, the survey found that they primarily purchase ingredients for spaghetti and margaritas in bulk.

4. Picking out the right toilet paper

Have you ever used the toilet paper in the Clark Building? This is an understandable concern. 

5. Uncontrollable shopping habits

Interestingly enough, this was the question that received the most uniformity in answers. The survey reported that 99.99% of CSU students feel that their primary source of happiness is when they are online shopping. When asked about the concept of budgeting and saving, many of them looked at me with a blank and confused expression. 

A question for the CSU administration is: “Do you enjoy seeing your students swimming in credit card debt and junk that they do not need?”

This is a cry for help. Implement comprehensive budgeting workshops in 2021!

6. Pigsty rooming

I’ve been to my fair share of (frat) houses and communal bathrooms here in Fort Collins, but let’s just put this out here: Students struggle with cleaning up. 15% of students reported being unprepared to clean their own living spaces, with some others not even realizing that they had to clean up their own homes. 

One of the major tenets of adulthood is cleaning up. With the winter season approaching, mice and spiders are abound in homes as the temperature continues to drop. If nothing else, parents and/or guardians ought to have instilled a need to keep one’s living spaces pristine.

7. Correcting orders

Based on the results of the survey, it was obvious that absolutely nobody is excited to correct their food orders. Lactose-intolerant individuals were reported to be the most common demographic that failed to correct the Morgan’s Grind baristas when they put regular milk into their coffees instead of almond milk. The thought of having to go back and ask for the correct order is, to many, absolutely terrifying. 

The results are conclusive. Many of us fear adulthood, despite already being two or three years into it. The reasons are unknown but could it have something to do with being on our damn phones all of the time? According to our parents, it could be. Yet one thing is for certain: YouTube has been a godsend in figuring out how to do literally anything pertaining to adulthood.

Joslyn Orji can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @lazy_svndae_.