Seriously: Satan calls Joe Biden’s ‘soul of the nation’ campaign a misnomer

Paul Brull

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Presidential candidate and Democratic nominee Joe Biden has repeatedly iterated that November’s election is a “battle for the soul of the nation.” Just days before the election, however, Satan, the morning star and prince of darkness, came forward claiming Joe Biden’s claim “isn’t technically true.” Below is an exclusive interview with Lucifer himself discussing the matter and his opinion on 2020.

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Interviewer: Hello! It’s good to finally meet in person. Excellent work with 2020, by the way, the year is shaping up to be just terrible.

Satan: Yes, this year has been some of my finer work. I started with a pandemic, and I guess I just got a bit carried away and kept going. I’ll say now though, the murder hornets were definitely a bit iffy, but I can’t say I was disappointed.

“(ronald Reagan) didn’t want to get impeached for the whole ‘profiteering off wars in Iran during an active arms embargo’ deal, so he asked me for a way out in exchange for the nation’s soul. I obliged.”

-Satan, Prince of Darkness

Interviewer: Those things were terrifying. Anyway, we brought you here today to talk about the 2020 election. Do you have any thoughts before we dive in?

Satan: I think it’s important to say, as much suffering as I caused, hats off to y’all for really kicking it up a notch this year. In every single lab test we ran down in hell, COVID-19 case numbers went down within six months maximum due to an assumed level of human decency. Still, you managed to drive them up, you stupid, wonderful apes. At this rate, I’ll be able to retire in a few years due to your lack of empathy and general incompetence.

Interviewer: Alright then. Now, Satan, you claim Joe Biden’s “Vote for the soul of the nation” campaign is inaccurate. Why is that?

Satan: Technically, the United States no longer has a soul. See, back during the ’80s, my close friend Ronald Reagan gave it away. He didn’t want to get impeached for the whole “profiteering off wars in Iran during an active arms embargo” deal, so he asked me for a way out in exchange for the nation’s soul. I obliged.

Interviewer: That definitely raises some new questions. How did you know Ronald Reagan? How did you stop his impeachment?

Satan: I’ll answer those one at a time. On the first count, Ronald, Milton Friedman and I were all drinking buddies. One night — *laughs hysterically* — one night, we came up with an idea to reduce taxes only for the ultra-wealthy.

We all thought it was incredibly stupid and that no one would buy that money could “trickle-down.” Reagan, though, was pretty sure he could get the plan passed. Friedman and I didn’t believe him, so we bet a couple hundred bucks on its failure. Best $200 I spent in my life.

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On the second count, honestly — and don’t tell any Reagans about this — I didn’t have to do anything. I pretty much took the nation’s soul, waved my hands, made some lights and sounds for Reagan’s benefit, then counted on you primates to do what you do best: be incredibly stupid. And wow, did you pull through!

Oliver North, if you’re reading this, cheers to you man. It takes gumption to openly admit to treason, although I hear that’s more of a trend as of late.

Interviewer: Wow. That is quite shocking. Are you still participating in politics?

Satan: To be frank, I mostly withdrew from politics after the ’80s except for a few minor side-gigs with the Bush administration. Still, even without my help, your politicians are basically topping anything I’ve done to the American government.

I mean, Russian collusion, national extortion, separating families, reducing protections for pre-existing conditions, cutting taxes for the rich even more and actively encouraging the spread of COVID-19? Those are no small feats of stupidity!

Interviewer: Alright. We have one last question, then, if you’re comfortable answering. How did you vote?

Satan: Vote? You think I live in the U.S? Don’t get me wrong, Florida is my home away from home, but I would never live there. Literal Hell is better. I’ll stay out of primate elections, thank you very much.

Interviewer: Well thank you so much for your time Lord Satan, would you like to say anything before you go?

Satan: To all California and Colorado Residents, your states are on fire because I bought them and am expanding hell. Look forward to ski and winery-themed torture in 2021!

Paul Brull can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.