Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — If I hear one more buffoon spout nonsense about the importance of voting, I will go, as scholar Travis Scott once said, “SICKO MODE.” 

Wake up, sheeple. Voting holds less weight than Chad’s mom telling him to quit vaping. While the masses are gearing up for the 2020 election, I’m here to tell you my inherently superior opinion about how voting is just an illusionary tactic of giving people false hope. 

Here are the top 10 reasons why you shouldn’t vote:

1. Mother Earth is fighting back either way. 

I’m not sure if you noticed, but the state is on fire. I walked outside yesterday and it smelled like a barbecue. Do you really think that either Trumpet or Joey have the gall to take on the bad b*tch known as Mother Earth? 

If there’s one thing we’ve all learned from college, it is how much men love to not take accountability for their actions. No matter who steps into office next year, we can expect that they will be ghosting Mother Nature, and she will continue to ravish the planet with her impeccable rage. 

“Don’t you have some prerecorded lectures you should be watching instead?”

2. It’s a meme.

In an age of intense political discourse where folks latch onto political doctrine like it’s a religion, you can be the ultimate troll and have the privilege of pissing off both sides. 

3. There’s an illusion of choice.

This is a concept that explains how the two-party system was created in order to give people an illusion of choice within a democratic system. 

Author Mike Dowson explains this theory through an olive metaphor: when going to the store he notices many different choices of olives. Many believe that because there are different brands with slight variations in flavor, that they must be different, but inevitably, you’re still buying the same olive at the end of the day.

The same holds true in the election, you think you have a choice, but the candidates are both advocating for conservative ideals when put into the context of global politics. According to an analysis of election manifestos from the U.S. Republican Party, and other conservative parties in Western Europe and Canada, the Republican Party leans much farther right. 

In order to not seem radical, the left places themselves more toward the middle, meaning that you’re actually voting right or almost right in any given recent election. If your choice is between radical conservatism and moderate conservatism, it’s not really a choice at all.

4. It takes too much effort.

Don’t you have some prerecorded lectures you should be watching instead?

5. It’s hipster to not vote.

This is the perfect opportunity to “nOt bE LiKe oThEr GiRLs.” While everyone may be doing their civic duty by voting, this is the perfect opportunity to latch onto a feeble attempt at having a personality. 

While you’re at it, make sure to pull sh*t out of your *ss and spout nonsense about how you’re simply “above voting.” You couldn’t imagine being a feeble-minded sheep and watching your vote dissolve into nothingness by the hands of a corrupt government. 

6. This is all probably a simulation.

If Elon Musk believes we’re in a simulation, then it must be true. Must we waste more of our precious time in the matrix yelling at each other over political differences? 

7. The Romans voted, and we all saw how that played out.

Preceding the Roman Empire was the Roman Republic, in which the people elected positions of authority. Just look at how the voting turned out for them — is that what you want? 

8. You’re probably not informed anyway.

When is the last time you even read a book? Do you really think you have the knowledge required to make an informed decision? 

If you can’t even muster up the strength to fully read the article you just used in your research paper as “evidence,” how can you really lie to yourself that you’re ready to make an informed decision? 

9. It’s more fun to not hold yourself accountable.

Take a note from our beloved frat boys’ books: holding yourself accountable is such a drag. At least if you don’t vote, you don’t have to take responsibility for helping to keep someone who refuses to denounce white supremacy in office. Problem solved, boys. 

10. You’d be hurting someone’s feelings.

Voting for Donald Trump means being a meanie-weenie to Joe Biden, but voting for Biden means being a heartless scrub to Trump. Didn’t your mother ever talk to you about the golden rule? How do you think it would feel to not be voted for? The clear solution here is to not vote at all. 

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.