Seriously: 5 scariest things to look out for this Halloween

Joslyn Orji

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Halloween and the election are just a couple of days away, and frankly, I just can’t choose between which one terrifies me more.

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We’ve been waiting for this moment for all of 2020. It’s time for some real excitement and some real terror. This Halloween should give us just that. This year, we’ve seen some terrifying things so far, but nothing can prepare you for what might go down this Halloween season.

With Halloween falling on a full moon, here are some things that should terrify you as the day approaches:

1. Masks (The top COVID-19 spreader, as reported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

The way that Walmart and costume stores leave masks just strewn across the floor has always terrified the heck out of me. I’m not a germaphobe, but don’t you think that it’s 10 times scarier to pick up and wear a Shrek mask that tons of kids have touched?

I mean, complete your costume and all, but at your own risk. Also, have you noticed that the longer that we wear masks, the more cases that we get on campus? Shrek may be life, but in this case, it’s a no from me, dawg.

2. Fangs (Alexa play “A Thousand Years” again)

These should be obvious, but for a lot of people it’s not. The CDC has reported synthetic fangs as the second likely cause of a disease outbreak on college campuses across the nation this Halloween. 

Think about it. Halloween is the one time of the year the young and wild youth of America get to go around and relive their suppressed vampirical fantasies. They’re bound to be biting people on the neck and playing out their delicious Edward Cullen fantasies, only recoiling away in disgust from things like garlic. Not even a pandemic is going to keep students off each other.

“The ballot box has to be fed every four years by Nov. 3 — or else.”

3. Werewolf hair

Quarantine gave us a lot of scary trends, like 17 new (but oddly familiar) TikTok dances. Yet nothing is more terrifying than DIY bangs done at 3 a.m. for clout and giggles.

Oddly enough, hairdressers have been a rare sight since the beginning of the pandemic. I don’t know if it’s the economy or just bad disease management, but just like toilet paper and hand sanitizer, their services cost an arm and a leg. I am all for the do-it-yourself movement, but for the love of God, watch a YouTube tutorial at least.

4. Calling all the ballot monsters

Okay, this is a serious one. This has life or death consequences for groups that are not classified as white. If you see a ballot monster, there are two things that you need to do.

The first is to drop a marked envelope with your signature on it inside its hungry jaws. This monster feeds off of one thing and one thing only: votes. Drop that bad boy in there and watch it grumble in appreciation.

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The next thing you gotta do is slap the complimentary “I Voted” sticker on your t-shirt. Yeah, show your peers that you’re better than them, watch them tremble in fear at your greatness. Although, remember, this is a serious one. The ballot box has to be fed every four years by Nov. 3 — or else.

5. Not the unpredictable weather

The weather is getting more intimidating with each day, but it’s frightening that mainstream media keeps trying to shove climate change down our throats. How can you say that we’re experiencing global warming when we just had 16 inches of snow? Hello?

Snow is cold, so obviously it’s not getting warm, pfft. It’s really scary how people still believe that global warming is still happening this year. Like, watch some news with real, unbiased information every once in a while (like Fox). Can’t you see that it’s cool to ignore scientists now?

Joslyn Orji can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @lazy_svndae_.