Seriously: CSU presidential debates prove a productive enterprise

Paul Brull

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — The resignation of Colorado State University President Joyce McConnell shocked the entire campus community this past weekend. Reportedly, McConnell submitted the resignation forms the day after a confirmed Alpha Delta Alpha Zed Alpha Phi Alpha event spread COVID-19 to over 200 members of the CSU community.

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“I’m done with this,” McConnell said. “If some idiot wants to go down with this plague-ridden ship, they can be my guest.”

Administration is currently working to find her replacement; however, a few members of the CSU community are pushing for an elected president, citing an archaic rule within the CSU constitution.

“The constitution clearly states the CSU student body and staff get to elect a new president, provided the current campus president resigns at noon exactly 20 days before a switch to daylights savings time,” said engineering senior Nick “Tech” Callity. “President McConnell resigned at noon on Oct. 12, so the good people of CSU happening to sign into RAMweb on Election Day and care enough to click two buttons deserve a voice!”

When asked about the motivation of the archaic daylight savings rule, Callity stated, “I dunno, agriculture? Does that even make any sense?”

To help motivated two-button clickers decide on their next leader, The Collegian decided to hold a presidential debate.

20 total candidates qualified. Realizing a stage with even 10 candidates to be absurd and unnecessarily chaotic, moderators randomly selected candidates from a hat in a method Bernie Sanders supporters are calling “unfair and illegitimate.”

Among the names drawn were the “Volume-is-a-Rhetorical-Strategy” party’s Val Yume and the “Buttonclickerist” party’s Captain “Aye Aye” Clipper.

Surprisingly, the “Seriously, This is a Party” party made it onstage, just barely scraping a 5% approval rating on the single-issue platform: Chick-fil-A in the Lory Student Center.

Moderator Carl Fox said before the debate, “I think this is going to be productive. This will really help voters make up their minds.”

After looking around, he found no wood to knock on and commented, “Oh, well.”

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The debate started on the topic of health care before quickly derailing.

“I think RamCare needs to be free for students to opt-in,” Clipper said before being interrupted by Yume.

“False, no, incorrect, only a forestry major or a forestry party buying forestry media propaganda would say something like that,” Yume said. “Your party would push a forestry agenda that would undermine our campus.”

In response, Clipper simply smiled and shook his head.

Later, Yume went on record saying, “Non sequiturs? No, I don’t think I’ve heard of that part of the country, but I bet it’s a lovely place!”

“It was crazy. After an hour, I turned off the livestream, shut off the lights and left the venue, but they were still there the next morning when I came in to pick up the free pizza I left. … Now that I think about it, I don’t think they left then either.”-Carl Fox, moderator

ASCSU judges were also a hot topic for debate. The resignation of the honorable Chadwick “Δ Δ Δ” C. Chaddington of House Chadsworth, king of campus and former third in line to house Chad of duchy Chadsworthington, rocked the status quo.

Commenting on his resignation, Chaddington stated, “I thought taking a gap year instead of letting a university shill me for money might be a good idea. See y’all when there isn’t a life-threatening pandemic and Zoom class. Peace!”

ASCSU judiciary colleagues say he will be dearly missed, citing his rulings as “bodacious.”

Despite the recent loss, Clipper wants to replace the judge as quickly as possible.

“It’s important we have a full panel of conflicted judges,” Clipper said. “Without them, only the ASCSU senate’s general inability to agree on anything will hinder outflow of yearly budgeted funds.”

Yume replied that she is going to win the election, so she doesn’t have to do anything.

Both candidates ignored that the ASCSU judiciary is a hired position.

After several more derailed bouts, Fox gave up trying to control the candidates, allowing both to incoherently babble over one another.

“It was crazy,” said Fox. “After an hour, I turned off the livestream, shut off the lights and left the venue, but they were still there the next morning when I came in to pick up the free pizza I left. … Now that I think about it, I don’t think they left then either.”

Despite all candidates’ rhetorical genius, only one can come out on top. Polls now suggest a recent voter surge placed the “Seriously, This is a Party” party in the lead.

“When it comes to a morally flexible college audience, you can’t beat those sweet, sweet nuggets,” Party Chairperson Ben Amundson said.

When asked for comment on the upcoming election and polls, CSU Chancellor Tony Frank said, “Oh, we hired someone yesterday. You guys seriously thought we’d let you hire one of these loons?”

CSU constitutional challenges are expected to be filed.

Paul Brull can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.