Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
It may be tempting to revert back to your animalistic urges and give in to Chad and Brad’s idea to crack open a good ol’ brewsky with the bros. You may even be eyeing that spaghetti strap crop top you got from SHEIN, thinking to yourself, “I didn’t pay $2 for this low quality piece of cloth that will likely fall apart in the wash to just sit in my dorm room on a Saturday night.”
If you haven’t been keeping up to date with Joyce McConnell’s emails, then you might’ve missed the crucial detail that mitigating this global pandemic is our responsibility as college students. So as tempting as it may be to grab your friend from across the hall and go meet your knight-in-shining-Greek-letter-hoodie under the romantic light of the flickering LEDs, this is COVID-19 season! You’re going to have to find another way to get it on.
We all have the responsibility to keep it 6 feet apart when we’re getting freaky. Fortunately, there are endless ways to bypass the deadly virus floating around the air while still “busting it down.” All of the tips listed below come with the assumption that all parties involved are consenting and are of the legal age to consent in the state of Colorado.
“Cuffing season is about to begin, and having these tools under your repertoire will be sure to get you in the digital bone zone.”
1. Try socially-distanced sex positions. While this doesn’t technically exist, some positions are better than others. I hate to break it to the Karens reading, but the missionary position is off the table due to the direct face-to-face contact. Positions that allow the participants to not face one another, such as the doggy-style and the reverse-cowgirl position, are your friends during this medical crisis.
2. Keep your face mask firmly planted on your face during coitus. I don’t care how hot you think Kyle from Apple Cinnamon Pie is. I’ll tell you what’s not sexy: not being able to breathe from COVID-19. Consider the mask a part of your lingerie ensemble.
3. Set up a nude Zoom meeting. Zoom isn’t just for the classroom. There’s nothing that says “I can’t wait to stick it in you after this pandemic is over” like a warm Zoom meeting invitation. You can always include an eggplant emoji when you send the invite link as to not create confusion.
4. Text each other 8-Ball requests. I can’t think of anything sexier. All the best sexting conversations start with an 8-Ball request.
5. Create a sexy Spotify playlist and share it with your partner. My personal favorite provocative song at the moment is “WAP” by Cardi B and fellow college student Megan Thee Stallion.
6. Make an OnlyFans. Not only will this give your significant other(s) a chance to see your sexy body, but they can help you pay rent at the same time.
7. Send nudes … (duh). This is an oldie but a goodie. You really can’t go wrong here; this is the peak of remote sex.
8. Blow kisses to each other from across the room. The New York Post explains that blowing kisses dates back to the historical region of Mesopotamia in Western Asia. If it was good enough for people back in 14,000 B.C., it’s certainly good enough for your business-major-boyfriend.
9. Split a PornHub account with each other. Think of the possibilities! You could FaceTime and watch it together. Perhaps you might take it upon yourself to tag your partner(s) in your favorite videos as a subtle way to tell them, “I want to try anal once we can stand in the same room together.”
10. Get them a gift card to a sex shop. If you can’t do the job right now, help them do the job themselves. For all those sentimental hearts reading, you can purchase a silicone penis casting kit for your own DIY dildo, meaning you can have a near-exact replica of the d*ck you’ve come to know and love. Thanks, Jeff Bezos! What would we do without you?
“We all have the responsibility to keep it 6 feet apart when we’re getting freaky.”
I know things are different than they used to be. Snagging that d*ck appointment used to be as easy as locking eyes with the frat star from across the sweaty basement as you make your way across the dance circle with “SICKO MODE” roaring in the background.
Pandemic sex just doesn’t have the same charm. The best simps will not let these benign physical obstacles stand in their way. Cuffing season is about to begin, and having these tools in your repertoire will be sure to get you in the digital bone zone.
Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.
