Seriously: Top 5 ways to socialize while social distancing

Corinne Neustadter

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In the middle of rising COVID-19 cases, it can be hard to figure out how to balance socializing with safety measures to protect yourself as well as your friends. I believe that everyone can socialize on campus with a little creativity. Look no further for the top five ways to safely socialize and social distance back on campus!

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1. Throw a rager over Zoom

No college experience is complete without a true college party — unfortunately, many first-years will miss out on the in-person experience, so you may have to get creative with some alternatives. With the power of technology, you can throw your own authentic college party via Zoom! Turn on your LED lights, turn up the music and have your friends join! Sure, it won’t include the kegs, expensive Uber rides from house to house or the 100 degree frat basements, but you can still get lit and be hungover for your online classes the next day.

2. Invest in a hazmat suit for partying

Even when the world isn’t in the middle of a global pandemic, frat houses are some of the most potent bacterial incubators known to man. Keeping this in mind, if you absolutely must go to a frat party, you should invest in a hazmat suit to keep yourself fully protected from any and all diseases that may be lurking there. It may be best to wear a hazmat suit when in a frat house even when the pandemic is over. Sure, you may feel more distant from the other guests, but you do have a great conversation starter!

3. Connect with friends the old-fashioned way

Want to talk to friends on the phone without using your data while seeing them in person? Simply use two cups and a string to create a makeshift phone outside your bedroom window! You’ll be able to talk for hours while your friends will become increasingly annoyed when they realized they walked all the way over to your place for this. 

4. Bring your skis to campus to social distance

Tired of not knowing how far six feet is when hanging out with friends? Show your Colorado pride while being safe by bringing your skis to campus to social distance! Simply carry them around in dorms, common areas and outdoor spaces to ensure that you are always six feet apart from everyone. Your arms may fall off, but rest assured you are protecting yourself in the most prudent way possible from COVID-19.

5. Sanitize before (and during) socializing

If you’re going to a football game with friends, take some precautions beforehand. Load up on hand sanitizer and disinfecting wipes to ensure that every surface you touch is free of any pathogens. If possible, bring disinfectant spray to kill any germs on doorknobs, handles, grass or even the bleachers themselves. Better yet, people won’t want to sit near you because of the overpowering stench of chemicals. The important part is that you still get to spend money to see our football team lose. Win-win!

Corinne Neustadter can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @cneustad.