Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS — Last night, the complete collection of archives kept by The Rocky Mountain Collegian was deleted after the newsroom keyboards were disinfected.

Digital and Design Managing Editor Matt Tackett had just finished installing a kaleidoscope, two cups and a string for video calls (the very best Rocky Mountain Student Media could afford through pandemic ad revenue and a very generous donation from no one) when he felt a sneeze coming on.

On one hand, we have students potentially dying of COVID-19 because we didn’t take precautions, and on the other hand, we have our capitalistic desire to work every waking moment until we die.”-Lauryn Bolz, editor-in-chief

“I was trapped under a desk, and I bumped my head and got a piece of ‘A.B.C.’ gum in my hair, and there was a 3-year-old, moldy Subway sandwich right next to me,” Tackett said, his hair still greasy and cut unevenly after the sticky battle. “It was like ‘127 Hours’ under there.” 

Tackett went on to explain that in the process of finding the dull, chewed-up pencil that he ultimately ended up using to cut himself free, dust was released into the air, forcing him to sneeze despite the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines. 

Tackett explained that he began to disinfect the desk he was working at as a precaution, but then he remembered the mortality rate and longevity of the COVID-19 pandemic, and decided it would be best to clean the entire newsroom. 

The windowless basement of Rocky Mountain Student Media has seen multiple students succumb to ailments such as rickets, starvation and admission to the College of Business in recent years. The Collegian couldn’t handle losing another person, Tackett explained.

“We’ve lost writers to health hazards before, and I couldn’t risk that happening again,” Tackett said. “I wiped everything down. Light switches, our bust of Michael Barbaro and then finally the keyboards, and that’s when I hit the button that deleted everything.”

Editor-in-Chief Lauryn Bolz said that everyone in the newsroom recognizes the gravity of the situation. 

“On one hand, we have students potentially dying of COVID-19 because we didn’t take precautions, and on the other hand, we have our capitalistic desire to work every waking moment until we die,” she said as both eyes twitched from being open for 52 hours straight.

“It really is a toss-up, which is why we do our best to be safe but keep working,” Bolz said.

She went on to explain that, despite the largely-ignored facts that the newsroom has no airflow capabilities and that students are trapped there for hours at a time, everyone follows very strict disinfection procedures so they can feel like they are doing at least something right in this dreary world.

“Things have been hard financially because of the pandemic, but we are still finding creative ways to care for our staff,” said Bolz. “We even let them take unread newspapers home with them at no extra fee so that they can use them for shelter in this time of economic downfall.”

“History is incredibly important, but also super f*cking depressing,” said fashion major Sandra Simpson, who equates BuzzFeed quizzes with the daily New York Times briefings that that kid you know with the turtle glasses and messenger bag reads. “Maybe it’s good the archives are gone. We can only hope the same gift is bestowed upon our grandchildren one day.”

Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @abbym_vg.