Seriously: Joyce McConnell’s emails are single-handedly curing COVID-19

Katrina Leibee

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — As many Colorado State University students have noticed, University President Joyce McConnell is in constant communication with the students and faculty during this time of online classes. She has followed in the footsteps of former presidents and has done the absolute most that she can do to help us in this situation: send us ridiculously long daily emails.

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The first thing that any CSU president learns to do when they get to campus and step into their office is send an email. Rigorous training and testing goes into teaching a CSU president how to send emails, as it is unarguably the most important part of their job.

Emails are how they will respond to any crisis on campus to make it appear as though they are doing something without actually having to. Whether it’s a pandemic or the never-ending racial incidents on campus, emails are how we get through.

Emails are how McConnell and CSU presidents in the past have said, “I want you to know that I care, but there is nothing I can do” in six long paragraphs (or six long novels, shout out to Tony Frank) that no one is really going to read. 

researchers have found that if she starts sending multiple emails a day, there is almost a 100% guarantee we will go back to school in the Fall.

However, new research has shown that the more emails McConnell sends, the quicker we will find a cure to COVID-19. With her Monday messages, her Wednesday evening messages and her Friday greetings, each email slowly gets us out of this.

You see, rather than returning at least a portion of student fees to actually help students financially during this time, CSU has carefully decided that sending out mass emails almost daily is going to be more beneficial to students.

 
 
 
 
 
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Consider the email we received on April 24 about Earth Day. For eight paragraphs, students read about how renowned CSU is for its sustainability and how great we are at being bicycle friendly because students absolutely had time to read all that.

Each email lifts the spirits of students and faculty so much that we are encouraged to keep fighting COVID-19, and as long as she keeps sending them, COVID-19 will continue to slow. In fact, researchers have found that if she starts sending multiple emails a day, there is almost a 100% guarantee we will go back to school in the fall.

Researchers cannot guarantee, however, that emails will prevent further racial incidents from happening, as they believe the University would actually have to start forcing consequences on racist students for that to happen.

But our president can send an email, and she is brave for doing that. 

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Overall, on behalf of the entire CSU campus, I would like to personally thank McConnell for her kind words and for reminding us once again that words speak louder than actions.

Katrina Leibee can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @KatrinaLeibee.