Seriously: Sad local man finds happiness commenting on Collegian articles

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – Local man Richard Manahan has developed an unhealthy and unstable relationship with The Collegian’s Facebook page. For the past several months, Manahan has typed out comment after comment under many of the page’s posts. Posts linking articles from the paper’s opinion section seem to receive the most of Manahan’s attention and his snarkiest comments.

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What started out as the occasional snide comment has blossomed into obsession, and obsession begot addiction. It has gotten so bad that Manahan no longer finds happiness in anything but posting these comments.

“I get this indescribable high when I start typing,” Manahan said. “Then when I hit ‘post,’ there’s this euphoric wave of emotion that fills my body, as if, with my two sentences, I have completely destroyed the arguments the authors made.”

While euphoric and blissful for Manahan, these actions are anything but that for everybody else in his life. Manahan’s obsession with commenting on these posts has driven a wedge between him and his wife, and it threatens his relationship with his young child.

“He used to be so fun and great to be around,” his wife, Alyssa, said. “Now he just has no motivation for anything that isn’t commenting on Collegian Facebook posts. I don’t think he’s lived, laughed or loved in a while.”

Manahan’s obsession with commenting on these posts has driven a wedge between him and his wife, and it threatens his relationship with his young child.”

Long gone are the mornings when Manahan would wake up early to cook a delicious breakfast for his family so that their noses were greeted by the sweet smell of pancakes, eggs, bacon or French toast. He instead rises early and goes straight to the computer, checking Facebook to see what new opinion articles The Collegian might have published that are missing his name in the comment section. 

Despite this addiction, Manahan doesn’t spend very long drafting and writing his comments. Usually, inspiration will come from the title of the column, and Manahan will have a comment in mind before briefly skimming the article.

“I love it when an article has a phrase like ‘don’t’ or ‘it’s not OK’ because then I don’t have to think hard for a comment,” Manahan explained. “I’ll usually just type a rhetorical question about what I should do or what is OK.”

As his life crumbles around him, Manahan shows very little concern. He only worries about when The Collegian will post next and thus when he can get his next comment high. Thankfully, his family is taking the right steps to try and quell this sad and depraved addiction. They have done the right thing by reaching out to shows like “Dr. Phil” and “The Jerry Springer Show” in the hopes that they can help their spiraling loved one.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.