Seriously: You failed No Nut November, what now?

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – We are already a week into November, which means three things: there has already been an absurd amount of Christmas products and ads, the weather is getting colder and people are starting to fail No Nut November.

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The first week of the No Nut November event, where participants try and go the entire month of November without having an orgasm, is the hardest. Separating the men from the boys, the first week of No Nut November usually sees the most failures.

Those who have already failed — or have been contemplating taking action that would result in failing the objective — can take solace in the fact that they aren’t alone, and Colorado State University offers counseling services for situations just like this.

CSU students are afforded a few free counseling sessions a semester, something that can certainly come in handy for those struggling with either participating in or failing No Nut November.

“Here at the University Health Center, we are determined to affirm, respect and show compassion to anything that is currently troubling you in life,” said Reid Trotter, the director of counseling services, Ph.D. “If something like No Nut November is important to you, it is important to us.”

I ended up failing five minutes later in one of the gender-neutral bathrooms in the health center.”-Stephen Mason, CSU junior

The counseling services provided by the CSU Health Network have already made a big difference in the lives of several students who have been severely affected by No Nut November.

“I failed because my girlfriend couldn’t go more than two days without me giving it to her,” said freshman Carter Fredrickson. “So I had to fail to satisfy her. The counselor helped me realize failing No Nut November was in the best interest of my relationship.”

When asked if The Collegian could interview her as well, Fredrickson said she went to a different college and we wouldn’t know her.

Stephen Mason, a junior, also visited the Health Center with concerns about No Nut November.

“They were great; they really listened to my concerns, and after the session, I felt confident I would be OK if I failed,” Mason said. “I ended up failing five minutes later in one of the gender-neutral bathrooms in the Health Center.”

Some professors are also making strides to accommodate their students that are participating in the challenge.

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“I know many of my students may rely on that post-nut clarity to do their best on their assignments and turn in excellent work,” liberal arts professor Peyton Harper said. “I try to accommodate everyone’s learning styles equally, and this whole No Nut November thing is no different.”

Well, there you have it. If you’ve already failed or are considering failing No Nut November, there are plenty of services here at CSU that can help with the decision.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.