Seriously: If you own a gun, you are a pathetic coward

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

There are many misconceptions about guns in this country. The belief that guns kill people, the differences between military and civilian rifles and the “gun show loophole,” which allows the purchase of firearms without a background check, are just a few examples.

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However, there is one misconception that is the most pervasive of all that many seem to take as a fact — owning a gun somehow makes you more masculine. This is far from the truth, as owning a gun makes you a coward.

Guns are a weapon needed by women to defend themselves from another man. So, what does it say about a man if he also needs a gun to defend himself from another man? It says he’s a weak little coward. There are plenty of other things owned by women that a man should never own — makeup, body lotion, separate bottles of shampoo and conditioner, anything pink — and guns should be included in that list as well.

“If a man had to call another man to change his tire or have another man open a jar of pickles, then he isn’t a real man,” said Fort Collins resident and gun owner Susan North. “We should extend that same shame to any man who carries a gun.”

Any man today with a concealed carry license might as well just carry a purse and wear a corset, bonnet and a dress with a bustle like the little 19th century lady he is.”

It is baffling why gun owners have been perceived as masculine and tough over the years when it’s really the complete opposite. Back in the 1800s, women and cowardly men would carry small .25 caliber guns dubbed “pocket pistols” to protect themselves from other men, but a real man would not do the same. If he had a problem with another man, they would settle it in a brawl of fisticuffs rather than waving around a dainty little firearm.

Any man today with a concealed carry license might as well just carry a purse and wear a corset, bonnet and a dress with a bustle like the little 19th century lady he is.

Many people who oppose the fact that owning a gun as a man automatically makes you a weak coward will cite the Second Amendment as evidence for why this is not the case. However, it is important to remember who made laws like those in the first place.

The founding fathers were all dainty men who pranced around in powdered wigs, makeup, shoes with high heels and frilly undershirts. They were essentially dressed as women, so it would make sense that they would be pro-gun ownership. The founding fathers were all probably anything but heterosexual anyways since they only enjoyed the company of other men while drafting the Constitution and Bill of Rights and creating our country.

One doesn’t have to look any further than the National Rifle Association to see how guns are for women and not men — their president is a woman. All these facts considered, there’s really no other interpretation of male gun ownership left. Any man who owns a gun is undoubtedly a pathetic coward and should have his man card taken away from him.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.