Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – While there are a fair amount of issues that are only affecting current students at Colorado State University — the rapidly deteriorating state of the Clark buildings, several racial incidents on campus and a terrible football team — there is one that has affected CSU students since the school’s inception. The issue is fellow students’ slow walking speeds.
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“When I attended CSU in the late ’50s, our two biggest concerns were nuclear armageddon and getting stuck behind a slow walker,” said CSU alumnus Billy Conway.
This concern is echoed by many students at the University today, and the administration is now taking steps to quell these concerns. Going into effect in the spring 2020 semester will be a minimum walking speed for students, staff and any other individual making their way around campus.
We see this as a win-win. Students won’t have to be inconvenienced by their slower peers, and it’s another way for the University to make money.”-Joyce McConnell, CSU President
“At the moment, we are thinking of implementing a minimum speed of 4.1 mph,” said a member of CSU’s Board of Governors. “We are still doing some research to see what the slowest speed allowed ought to be.”
The University is encouraging students to self-police themselves and their peers, but they will still have campus police stationed at key points around campus, such as The Plaza, The Oval and the area around Yates Hall. If a student is found to have dipped below the minimum walking speed for more than several seconds, enough to significantly hinder their peers, they will be fined.
“We see this as a win-win,” University President Joyce McConnell said of the new policies. “Students won’t have to be inconvenienced by their slower peers, and it’s another way for the University to make money.”
This new policy will also mean a change to CSU’s application process. In addition to providing their high school transcript, letters of recommendation and an essay, applicants will need to submit a baseline for their walking speeds.
“Ram Welcome will have to change too,” McConnell said. “We want to make sure all the incoming freshmen understand what we’ll be expecting of them.”
Former CSU President Tony Frank has commended McConnell’s efforts on this issue.
“This is a genius idea. Never in a million years would I have thought of it,” Frank said. “She’s doing a lot for making campus a better place.”
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With the policy going into effect so soon at the start of the spring 2020 semester, the student Recreation Center is putting together some classes to help students learn how to speed up their normal walking speed.
In addition, The Collegian will be publishing some tips and tricks to speed up your walk. Be on the lookout for that later this week.
Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.
