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Seriously: CSU to enforce minimum walking speed on campus

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – While there are a fair amount of issues that are only affecting current students at Colorado State University — the rapidly deteriorating state of the Clark buildings, several racial incidents on campus and a terrible football team — there is one that has affected CSU students since the school’s inception. The issue is fellow students’ slow walking speeds.


“When I attended CSU in the late ’50s, our two biggest concerns were nuclear armageddon and getting stuck behind a slow walker,” said CSU alumnus Billy Conway.

This concern is echoed by many students at the University today, and the administration is now taking steps to quell these concerns. Going into effect in the spring 2020 semester will be a minimum walking speed for students, staff and any other individual making their way around campus.

We see this as a win-win. Students won’t have to be inconvenienced by their slower peers, and it’s another way for the University to make money.”-Joyce McConnell, CSU President

“At the moment, we are thinking of implementing a minimum speed of 4.1 mph,” said a member of CSU’s Board of Governors. “We are still doing some research to see what the slowest speed allowed ought to be.”

The University is encouraging students to self-police themselves and their peers, but they will still have campus police stationed at key points around campus, such as The Plaza, The Oval and the area around Yates Hall. If a student is found to have dipped below the minimum walking speed for more than several seconds, enough to significantly hinder their peers, they will be fined.

“We see this as a win-win,” University President Joyce McConnell said of the new policies. “Students won’t have to be inconvenienced by their slower peers, and it’s another way for the University to make money.”

This new policy will also mean a change to CSU’s application process. In addition to providing their high school transcript, letters of recommendation and an essay, applicants will need to submit a baseline for their walking speeds.

“Ram Welcome will have to change too,” McConnell said. “We want to make sure all the incoming freshmen understand what we’ll be expecting of them.”

Former CSU President Tony Frank has commended McConnell’s efforts on this issue.

“This is a genius idea. Never in a million years would I have thought of it,” Frank said. “She’s doing a lot for making campus a better place.”


With the policy going into effect so soon at the start of the spring 2020 semester, the student Recreation Center is putting together some classes to help students learn how to speed up their normal walking speed.

In addition, The Collegian will be publishing some tips and tricks to speed up your walk. Be on the lookout for that later this week.

Ethan Vassar can be reached at or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.  

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About the Contributor
DEVIN CORNELIUS, Digital Managing Editor
Devin Cornelius is the digital managing editor for The Collegian. He is a fifth-year computer science major from Austin, Texas. He moved to Colorado State University and started working for The Collegian in 2017 as a photographer. His passion for photography began in high school, so finding a photography job in college was one of his top priorities. He primarily takes sports photos, volleyball being his favorite to shoot. Having been on The Collegian staff for 4 1/2 years, he's watched the paper evolve from a daily to a weekly paper, and being involved in this transition is interesting and exciting. Although Cornelius is a computer science major, his time at The Collegian has been the most fulfilling experience in his college career — he has loved every second. From working 12-hour days to taking photos in Las Vegas for the Mountain West Conference, he cannot think of a better place to work. Working as a photographer for The Collegian pushed him outside of his comfort zone, taking him places that he never expected and making him the photographer he is today. As the digital managing editor, Cornelius oversees the photos, graphics and social media of The Collegian along with other small tech things. Working on the editorial staff with Katrina Leibee and Serena Bettis has been super fun and extremely rewarding, and together they have been pushing The Collegian toward being an alt-weekly. Outside of The Collegian, he enjoys playing volleyball, rugby, tumbling and a variety of video games. When in Austin, you can find him out on the lake, wake surfing, wake boarding and tubing. You can expect that Cornelius and the rest of The Collegian staff will do their best to provide you with interesting and exciting content.

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