Seriously: CSU hiring actors, fake fans to attend football games

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – Colorado State University’s Canvas Stadium was constructed to attract talent and elevate the athletics program to compete on a national level. So far, that plan has failed miserably. In the two years that the Rams have called Canvas Stadium home, they have a record of 11-20 and only have two wins this season so far.

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This particularly abysmal season has not only decreased school spirit but attendance at the games as well. The drop off in attendance is so drastic that CSU is now is hiring and paying actors to attend games and fill the seats left available by frustrated Ram fans. 

“I’m no CSU Ram, but $200 is $200,” said Tom Evans, one of the actors the University hired. 

Rams football Coach Mike Bobo, who many point to as the reason the team has had such terrible seasons, has noticed this decline in stadium attendance. Bobo has stated that now it’s hard to even convince his friends and family to attend games. 

“It’s gotten so bad that I think my wife is having an affair with the University of Colorado Boulder coach,” Bobo said before breaking down in tears and becoming inconsolable in a fetal position. 

Many feel that if someone should be getting paid, it is the student athletes wearing the green and gold that should be compensated for their efforts.

Many CSU students have found it hard to convince even themselves to attend games. Jerry Peterson, a junior, recounted his experience with CSU football this season.

“I couldn’t bring myself to watch the disastrous games live, so I watched them on TV,” Peterson said. “But then the team sucked so bad that my TV started to cave in.” 

Like most students, Peterson now only checks the game scores online. 

Those that do show up feel extremely self-conscious. They fear they’ll be made fun of for being at the games for more than the amount of time it takes to take a picture for Instagram.

One student who has attended every home game this year, who asked to remain anonymous to protect himself from ridicule, takes every precaution when going to the games.

“I get super embarrassed to go to the games,” he said. “I have to turn off location sharing on my phone and turn on ghost mode in Snapchat maps so no one knows I’m there.”

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Many students are irritated and annoyed that their tuition dollars will be going toward putting butts in seats. Many feel that if someone should be getting paid, it is the student athletes wearing the green and gold that should be compensated for their efforts. The University doesn’t share the same sentiment.

The Collegian sat down with the University athletic director, Joe Parker, to discuss the issue earlier this week, and upon asking about paying student athletes, Parker punched the reporter in the face, said “no comment” and left the interview.

That reporter is now in the hospital and could no longer continue the story, so this is the end of the article. 
 
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.