Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – Although college does provide a lot of freedoms for freshmen who are living on their own for the first time, there is one significant aspect of college life that has opened up for many first year students: watching porn.
For freshmen in suite style dorms, self-pleasure has to be done when neither roommates or suite-mates are home, and all evidence of the act needs to be cleaned up, save risking embarrassment. Students in community style dorms have it worse, as there is no guaranteed 10 or 15 minute window when no one is going to be using the bathroom.
Despite the workarounds, this hasn’t stopped the class of 2023 from consuming their fair share of adult cinema. The Colorado State University Housing and Dining Services just released a study on the porn consumption habits of current freshmen living in the dorms, which proves to be quite eye-opening and enlightening.
As the student body grows increasingly disapproving of the school’s administration, thanks to race related incidents and construction problems, CSU is looking for new ways to understand and connect with their students. The study was done in an effort to better understand the student body and how to better serve their needs.
“I always make sure I knock one out before I’m going on campus for classes. Same reason you pee before a long movie or flight.”-CSU freshman
Chief among the study’s findings were the five most popular porn searches done on the dorm Wi-Fi. Topping the list was “missionary,” which was followed by “sorority girl,” “RA catches you POV,” “Cam the Ram” and “middle aged man with great beard.”
The study had an interesting entry regarding the top search result, noting that over 95% of freshmen who searched this term were prospective frat boys and all narrowed the search results to not show any videos longer than five minutes. Additionally, the study identified that those searching for “Cam the Ram” preferred watching videos of a man in a mascot suit rather than an actual ram.
The final interesting note the study makes about porn viewing habits is the times in which visits to porn sites spike. There are significantly more searches early in the morning between the hours of 6-9 a.m. than any other time of day.
One freshman who wished to remain anonymous explained this trend, saying, “I always make sure I knock one out before I’m going on campus for classes. Same reason you pee before a long movie or flight.”
Unfortunately, CSU will inevitably derive the wrong idea from this data and do something contradictory to student interest, like approving students to use RamCash to buy subscriptions like Pornhub Premium. With laundry now being provided to freshmen for free, it would not be surprising if CSU even granted these subscriptions to certain students for free.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.
