Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.  

FORT COLLINS — To say that Colorado State University’s Class of 2023 has it easy would be a drastic understatement. Putting it mildly, this new class of freshmen is essentially getting their degrees handed to them on a silver platter, all while being fanned with giant leaves and fed grapes by the University. Virtually all current seniors and juniors, as well as a hefty number of sophomores, who attend CSU agree with this.

“There are so many things we worked hard for and petitioned to be changed on campus that these freshmen get to enjoy,” senior political science major William Sharpe said. “They’re enjoying the fruits of our labor without a second thought.”

Many point to the renovation of the Corbett and Parmelee dining hall, which was taken from a sad and decrepit eatery that would make a hospital cafeteria look like a five-star restaurant, to what it is now an example of Sharpe’s argument. 

“When I was a freshman, that dining hall sucked so bad it had a gravitational pull,” junior biology major Sarah Jennings said. “These freshmen will never know the suffering we all experienced there.”

Another hardship of pursuing a higher education at CSU that the class of 2023 will never have to experience is the trek to see a football game. Prior to the completion of the “please let us into the Big 12” stadium, students had to see their football team lose several miles away at Hughes Stadium.

“Back in my day, after a game, the walk back to my car and drive back was always miserable because you’re stuck in traffic, and all you can think about is how terrible the team is,” senior health and exercise major Tucker Johnson said.

Now, freshmen need only walk across campus to see the disappointment that Mike Bobo sends trotting onto the field. They don’t even have to wallow in defeat because a walk back to their dorm is just minutes away.

The renovation of the Lory Student Center lagoon is the most recent campus project to benefit freshman. The class of 2023 will never have to worry about being attacked by a rogue goose or stepping in goose poop on their way to class.

“CSU is way too soft on these freshmen. They wouldn’t last a day on campus four years ago,” said senior business major Sam Parker. “Freshmen these days have no respect for CSU traditions. All they know how to do is charge their phones and make TikToks.”

New President Joyce McConnell has not addressed these comments, but The Collegian will update you if she ever addresses the growing divide on campus.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.