Seriously: Clark estate sues CSU for slandering family name

Abby Vander

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS — The Andrew G. Clark estate recently filed a claim against Colorado State University, demanding reparations for slandering the family name.


This complaint came after a myriad of students took to social media, protesting the decaying state of the campus liberal arts building, which was named after Andrew G. Clark in 1977.

The Clark estate decided to step in once the hashtag “#DestroyClark” started trending on Twitter and is now claiming $6 million in damages for the emotional trauma that the family has experienced as a result of the protests.

Despite announcements that the building will be half-heartedly remodeled, student outrage over the dissolving building has only increased.

“The reports include accounts of mysterious texts written on the exterior of the building, flickering lights, and blood stains on the tiles of the first-floor women’s restroom.”

Many students are angry because, even though Andrew G. Clark’s legacy was as a mathematics professor, the building mostly serves students in the College of Liberal Arts. 

“The only thing that mathematics and Clark have in common is the suffering that they create,” commented a third year journalism major between coughs. 

While it’s true that some students are concerned for their health in Clark, the fear of asbestos is the least of their worries. 

“We’ve also been receiving reports of paranormal activity within the building,” stated Susan Clark, manager of the estate. “Which we believe to be Mr. Andrew G. Clark condemning the building from another realm.”

The reports, which were sent to the estate by the University, included accounts of mysterious texts written on the exterior of the building, flickering lights and blood stains on the tiles of the first floor women’s restroom.

“Not only do we feel that reparations are necessary, but that they are being demanded by some divine force,” Susan Clark continued, alternately looking up at the sky and then to the floor with dread painted across her face in the shade of asbestos.

But not everyone wants Clark to change.


The CSU anthropology department is working to make the building a World Heritage Site, not only because of the antiquity of the building, but also because it holds cultural significance as a primary place of suffering for those in the CSU community.

One English professor agreed, citing the basement of Clark A as the place that sparked her creativity the most when writing her new collection of poems titled “Crumbled: The depths of human suffering.”

Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at or Twitter @abbym_vg.